New Moon in Cancer/Dig Deep, and get ready.
relationships for this Leo are everything. relationship to self, relationship to loved ones, relationship to all that is Sacred: Earth, Water, Air, Fire, Spirit, the unseen but felt. movement relationships and work relationships. lines blur often for my heart. recently a good friend of mine asked if I consider myself an Empath. she said, an empath is someone who feels other peoples energies and often takes them on/in. I smiled and I said, yes, I think that is me. Identifying as an empath also helps to explain why I am so aware of my relationship with everyone around me at all times. It explains why my heart aches at 6am when my young neighbor wakes me up with his deep rage, loud punches in the air; my heart hurting that much more when he doesn’t wake me up because it means he has been disappeared, potentially being even doubly traumatized at a mental health hospital where healthcare equals the re-traumatization of Black, Brown, and poor folks.
I met with my Elder yesterday. infinite gratitude for all of her selves and all of who we are when we come together. I witnessed her prepare for her upcoming inner journey, I felt as if I was preparing for my own viaje as well. this week is calling for my attention, my heart longing for love, a love I have not yet experienced. That love, begins here, with me. I told myself that every time I feel like putting out, I have to bring it back IN/TO myself. I want the kind of love that is not chased, longed for, or feared. tired of hearing my own heart beat louder because those I have chosen to love have patterns of disassociation that run deeper than any love can ever offer.
I’ve had fierce loves. I’ve had gentle loves. I’ve had hilarious loves. At 33, a mother of a brilliant ancestor returned, a committed co-parent and co-director for an organization that i ride or die for; fierce, gentle, and hilarious won’t be enough for me anymore. I want that plus much, much, much, more. a love that doesn’t stop at fear, past hurt, or ghosts that don’t belong to me.
“You can have it all,” she said as we prepared to part ways. I could feel my heart is waiting on me to step into my place of fearlessness, again. and again, and again, as needed so that I am ready for when this love that I am calling forth comes through in whatever form(s) it needs to. She looks through me, says, “who are you not to experience betrayal, hurt, break up?” those words crumbling away the walls I cling on to that help keep me at a distance from folks who care for me, could love me if I only let myself be loved.
with this New Moon in Cancer, emotions rising, paths clearing to self. deepening relationships, taking my own advice, letting myself fall in love with life, with my life over and over again, cause she is right, who am i not to experience every emotion possible to humans? I know that the risks I take at 33 are different than the risks I used to take, and that is okay. that is GOOD. but that doesn’t mean I stop showing up for LOVE when it knocks on my door. and right now, love is showing up in all kinds of ways; with open arms, heart, Spirit present, i am grateful for all of it.