in honor of my own becoming a mother

i started a private blog 3  years ago to address/reflect/heal from the anxiety i felt as a new mother. i never shared the posts or the link to anyone. i recently opened it up, re-read my words and the struggles of that time. in honor of this Taurus New Moon that lands right about now for us (12:30pm PST), a Moon that calls us to give ourselves all we want to receive, i decided it would be a beautiful honoring to myself and all new/becoming mothers to share.

here is link:

https://fromthelionscocoon.wordpress.com

the rebirth of destroyed dreams

we were talking about parenting. parenting of children in this age, in this time when transwomen are being massacred in front of us, thousands of immigrants dying at the hands of state violence, walls that need to be torn down. Black and Brown folk being shot like flies swatted on hot summer days. down one, down two. and there goes another one. poverty and unemployment, strategies to keep folks’ Spirits asleep, numbed out, disconnected from our Purposes. these systems think they have outsmarted us. oh, but they don’t know about the Power of|in Our Resilience…how we wake early to prepare for the days, pray to our Ancestors|Trancestors for Strength, dance at sunrise to welcome Sun, Air, Water, and Fire. they don’t understand how my heartache is transformed into a sword to cut through the barbed wire they impose but cannot maintain. how the Heart|Spirit led conversations, create more life in|within us than they can ever reach. we are a Strong Breed, our hunger for Freedom is unstoppable, the fire in us called Tubman, the strategies a mezcla of La Malinche & Lorde, at the borderlands of insanity and our own Realities.

at the intersections is where we live. we meet intercambiando ideas and stories, shed tears of longing for places that exist only in our hearts and in the exchange of love through bodies, smiles, stares, and the recognition that we have been here before.

if parents are the first dream killers, then i will make sure to unlock the parts of me that knows to follow my breathe, slow down. our children deserve better, they are here to remind us of the world that exists when we follow their lead. when we don’t enforce our idea of what is normal or not normal onto them. such a violent process and we are moving to quick to even notice it.

“en honor de mis sueños destruidos…in honor of my destroyed dreams, i will fight that fight. i don’t know who i would have been if i would have been born 15 years later than i was or in a different country.” they said.

my heart looked into theirs and said, YES, yes to all that courage to defend our ancestors returned, to make room for their freedom and in the process get FREED ourselves.

i can’t imagine something stronger than the Rebirth of our destroyed dreams. those lessons learned and that Future in mind. they got nothing on us, nothing.

beauty sought, beauty found.

para la hermana.

worlds coming together, clashing violently.

i hear you scream for your life and for mine.

they call you angry. i call you revolutionary.

you open doors while others stay in comfort.

dear sister, i see you. i see you. i see you.

untitled. 

gently, firmly

sweeping back;

i feel

sweat collect.

where are you?

fulfilling desire,

i came,

Spirits merge.

freedom.

wind wings

fire feet

water sweat

earth roots.

Ode to ALL Declaration(s) of LOVE, Summer 2015

New Moon in Cancer/Dig Deep, and get ready.

relationships for this Leo are everything. relationship to self, relationship to loved ones, relationship to all that is Sacred: Earth, Water, Air, Fire, Spirit, the unseen but felt. movement relationships and work relationships. lines blur often for my heart. recently a good friend of mine asked if I consider myself an Empath. she said, an empath is someone who feels other peoples energies and often takes them on/in. I smiled and I said, yes, I think that is me. Identifying as an empath also helps to explain why I am so aware of my relationship with everyone around me at all times. It explains why my heart aches at 6am when my young neighbor wakes me up with his deep rage, loud punches in the air; my heart hurting that much more when he doesn’t wake me up because it means he has been disappeared, potentially being even doubly traumatized at a mental health hospital where healthcare equals the re-traumatization of Black, Brown, and poor folks.

deep sighs.

I met with my Elder yesterday. infinite gratitude for all of her selves and all of who we are when we come together. I witnessed her prepare for her upcoming inner journey, I felt as if I was preparing for my own viaje as well. this week is calling for my attention, my heart longing for love, a love I have not yet experienced. That love, begins here, with me. I told myself that every time I feel like putting out, I have to bring it back IN/TO myself. I want the kind of love that is not chased, longed for, or feared. tired of hearing my own heart beat louder because those I have chosen to love have patterns of disassociation that run deeper than any love can ever offer.

I’ve had fierce loves. I’ve had gentle loves. I’ve had hilarious loves. At 33, a mother of a brilliant ancestor returned, a committed co-parent and co-director for an organization that i ride or die for; fierce, gentle, and hilarious won’t be enough for me anymore. I want that plus much, much, much, more. a love that doesn’t stop at fear, past hurt, or ghosts that don’t belong to me.

“You can have it all,” she said as we prepared to part ways. I could feel my heart is waiting on me to step into my place of fearlessness, again. and again, and again, as needed so that I am ready for when this love that I am calling forth comes through in whatever form(s) it needs to. She looks through me, says, “who are you not to experience betrayal, hurt, break up?” those words crumbling away the walls I cling on to that help keep me at a distance from folks who care for me, could love me if I only let myself be loved.

with this New Moon in Cancer, emotions rising, paths clearing to self. deepening relationships, taking my own advice, letting myself fall in love with life, with my life over and over again, cause she is right, who am i not to experience every emotion possible to humans? I know that the risks I take at 33 are different than the risks I used to take, and that is okay. that is GOOD. but that doesn’t mean I stop showing up for LOVE when it knocks on my door. and right now, love is showing up in all kinds of ways; with open arms, heart, Spirit present, i am grateful for all of it.

ase.

my lion heart.

Lately I have been reflecting on all heart-love related aspects of life. Feeling really close to my lioness self, the one that leads with heart, grateful for her that resides in me. I’ve been feeling a lot of emotions- I spend a lot of my days just feeling, it can be exhausting and I also know that part of my healing journey is requiring me to slow down to be vulnerable to myself. So much of my adult life has been about learning to be vulnerable with others and I forgot to learn to be vulnerable to me. How else can I heal the wounds I carry in my heart if not by allowing myself to see them fully?

So no, I’m not having the best time of life over here in my little house when baby is with co-parent BUT I can’t complain. I am experiencing depths of my trauma, facing sh**, sometimes being witnessed by long time friends that know me oh too well and won’t ever let me alone alone. My Spiritual work has me making offerings on the daily for me mostly, time to rebuild the self, and reclaim that self that I have missed for too long, that me that existed before I was 4. I refuse to be stained by the upbringing someone else gave me. I am no victim of anyones ill doing.

It’s been challenging to heal when I spend a lot of my time thinking of others and their pains. My bleeding heart loves to give and be there for folks. And lately what life has been telling me is I have to be there for myself too. I will continue to be the strong liberation warrior that I am in my community. I will continue to hear what other folks have to say about their journeys and I will continue to be the two-Spirit Gatekeeper that I am. AND in addition to that I have pledged to myself a self love that resembles a red rose blooming; She- vulnerable and open to the sun, air, it’s environment; She- innately strong willed, courageous, and determined.

In my recent heart reflections I have also found that sustainable love is more about the commitments made to the self and how those are carried out into every other relationship we are in. So if I say, I want to love myself actively and with passion, leading with my heart; I imagine that will translate to living a life filled with work I deeply care about, engaged in amazing thoughtful and creative discussions and activities with other like minded folks. I also imagine that my heart will be full of emotions for the world and those I care about. My loved ones will appreciate how I love myself and how I live my life. My loved ones will challenge themselves to love themselves to the fullest, in ways our momma’s couldn’t teach us to love cause they didn’t know any better. My loved ones will challenge me to grow by asking me hard questions about my choices and they will raise red flags when I want to engage in work that is less than meaningful. I imagine this love I speak about will go against State Violence, Neoliberal inhumane laws and ways of seeing the world, and will interrupt trauma’s lived by me and my communities. This is what I call revolutionary love. Love that changes, that causes folks to take a second look cause our loves tells them, IT IS POSSIBLE. EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. CHANGE IS POSSIBLE.

That is the love I am brewing up in my heart, day to day, working on myself, looking in the mirror with those cheesy affirmations cause the self hatred I was taught has no chance up against my lion LEO HEART.

Ashe.