reaching 35 feels like a kind of success, i get the feeling of, i am making it. this brings me both joy and a deep release.
i think of the stories i carry with me. the ones that i have yet to share. i can feel them at my surface waiting to be purged with this summer’s heat. the sweat you see are actually tears, only my eyes can’t shed them so my body is doing it for me.
for so long i have sought a peace that i only heard of or felt glimpses of when in communion with self or loved ones. i chased the peace away most of the time, unintentionally but i did nonetheless. and each time i felt further away from the peace that i kept naming i wanted.
i thought peace would come in partnership or in friendship. i was convinced peace would come from somewhere outside of myself. how can i feel peace on my own? that seemed like a crazy thought. a lonely one.
i sat with my Elder today. i shared with her some of my most recent lessons in “peace finding.” in short, i realize that peace comes from the knowing that i have a home in myself to come home to every night. the love i sought outside is actually all around me. the ways Mother Earth shows up for me, as the constant love of my life is irreplaceable. no two-legged can fill the void i grew up in, only i could feel that void with a self love and a self care regiment that is so fierce that all my fears get scared and run away, cause they can’t handle the love i have been able to cultivate for myself.
hard earned love. worthy love.
i feel my lion mane, my eagle’s spine, and the powerful eyes of the owl i am. 35 could not have come at a more beautiful time for me. these lessons, these poems to myself- they are life giving. i needed this. i needed the affirmations. thank you Ancestors and Councils that walk with me. thank you for the gift of love. of deep self respect and self love.