Lately I have been reflecting on all heart-love related aspects of life. Feeling really close to my lioness self, the one that leads with heart, grateful for her that resides in me. I’ve been feeling a lot of emotions- I spend a lot of my days just feeling, it can be exhausting and I also know that part of my healing journey is requiring me to slow down to be vulnerable to myself. So much of my adult life has been about learning to be vulnerable with others and I forgot to learn to be vulnerable to me. How else can I heal the wounds I carry in my heart if not by allowing myself to see them fully?
So no, I’m not having the best time of life over here in my little house when baby is with co-parent BUT I can’t complain. I am experiencing depths of my trauma, facing sh**, sometimes being witnessed by long time friends that know me oh too well and won’t ever let me alone alone. My Spiritual work has me making offerings on the daily for me mostly, time to rebuild the self, and reclaim that self that I have missed for too long, that me that existed before I was 4. I refuse to be stained by the upbringing someone else gave me. I am no victim of anyones ill doing.
It’s been challenging to heal when I spend a lot of my time thinking of others and their pains. My bleeding heart loves to give and be there for folks. And lately what life has been telling me is I have to be there for myself too. I will continue to be the strong liberation warrior that I am in my community. I will continue to hear what other folks have to say about their journeys and I will continue to be the two-Spirit Gatekeeper that I am. AND in addition to that I have pledged to myself a self love that resembles a red rose blooming; She- vulnerable and open to the sun, air, it’s environment; She- innately strong willed, courageous, and determined.
In my recent heart reflections I have also found that sustainable love is more about the commitments made to the self and how those are carried out into every other relationship we are in. So if I say, I want to love myself actively and with passion, leading with my heart; I imagine that will translate to living a life filled with work I deeply care about, engaged in amazing thoughtful and creative discussions and activities with other like minded folks. I also imagine that my heart will be full of emotions for the world and those I care about. My loved ones will appreciate how I love myself and how I live my life. My loved ones will challenge themselves to love themselves to the fullest, in ways our momma’s couldn’t teach us to love cause they didn’t know any better. My loved ones will challenge me to grow by asking me hard questions about my choices and they will raise red flags when I want to engage in work that is less than meaningful. I imagine this love I speak about will go against State Violence, Neoliberal inhumane laws and ways of seeing the world, and will interrupt trauma’s lived by me and my communities. This is what I call revolutionary love. Love that changes, that causes folks to take a second look cause our loves tells them, IT IS POSSIBLE. EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. CHANGE IS POSSIBLE.
That is the love I am brewing up in my heart, day to day, working on myself, looking in the mirror with those cheesy affirmations cause the self hatred I was taught has no chance up against my lion LEO HEART.