a coming home to self

after months of silence on this blog i decided it is time to speak again.

my private blog has been good to me. just me and my thoughts. but i don’t write in it enough to for me to feel like i am taking care of myself in the ways that i know how to, in the ways that life has taught me are needed.

in my time away i mostly looked at my silences. the struggles that i go through in the privacy of my own head, body, Spirit; the anxiety that causes the eczema spreading on my body, and the guilt-ridden shame that haunts my freedom.

it has definitely been a rough few months. having to look at the monsters that live within is not an easy task. and there has been a lot of isolation. mostly chosen…i wanted to hibernate like a bear this winter.

today i noticed Spring is approaching. days are warmer for longer periods throughout the day and bare trees are beginning to show signs of new leaves. i long to be the Spring season this Spring. i want to bud new leaves, show signs of new flowers and fruit to come later this Spring and Summer.

I want to feel Spring-like inside. soft, sensual, flowery, filled with passion, commitment to growth. I also want to step out of this Winter’s hibernation slowly. pasito a pasito as my dad says step by step, not rushing but feeling the sole’s of my feet touch the ground with every step. breathing in deep and noticing all the beauty that surrounds me. i want to care for myself as a mother cares for her children, with sweet commitment. the skin i wear is bursting with manchas…dry spots that worry me. i wonder if i love myself differently if they will go away, realize that they don’t need to be here in order for me to pay attention to myself.

but in reality they, these spots (and my increased anxiety)…are the reason why i am stopping, attempting to slow this process down so that i can rest, breathe, exhale. since being away from my writing i have not rested. rest comes from letting go thoughts onto pages and pages of writing, allowing for deep breathes and exhales and love making with the heart and Spirit. so in the next few weeks, my resting will look like me taking time away for myself to write everyday, even if just 30 minutes of free writing, i (once again) can’t afford to ignore the emotions inside that seek to be seen, accepted, loved, released, held.

I’m especially am aware that my baby studies me, and i want to make sure that what she learns from me is intentional self care and self love. for these 2 things are at the core of all of life, relationships, work.

more soon.

mitakuye oyasin*

Listen:

Creo En Ti

*Lakota word for all my relations/we are all related/in lak ech/ubuntu

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