it’s complicated, (roots of violence series, 5/5)

i haven’t written lately because there are things that reside in my body and mind right now that are “complicated” to write about. seems like it would take a lot out of me to even begin to brainstorm how i would write about such heavy, heart/spirit felt topics, the things in life that drain the life out of life.

i am very aware of the trauma that growing up in and around violence causes. it’s as if i can feel peoples energies/rage/deep sadness seeping through their skins as i walk past strangers on the street. i can’t escape it’s impact on my own self. this ability to feel, we all have it. i choose to live my life in a way that i feel everything and sometimes all this connecting with other people (often they don’t even know it or know of me) brings me to the ever-challening question i preoccupy myself with often: how do we heal all the damage done? i’m not talking about one individuals pain, I’m talking about as a society and world, how do we heal the trauma already in place. sometimes i want an answer that does not individualize people, 1 by 1.

this question occupies my spirit all the time, quietly but present, other times too loudly. in the last 2 weeks, i feel like I’ve been living in the question itself making it difficult to write. overwhelmed by the reality of the military state we live in and how organizations and individuals are targeted, made examples of “what happens when you ‘step outta line'”, question them, out truths about them, etc. etc. although anger and fear often go hand in hand, the trauma that begins to seep through often takes over unless targeted folks/organizations are deep rooted in community , pre-planned safety plans, and a groundedness in the truth beyond the truth told.

there is so much i would like to say here. but its early and I’m afraid of my own thoughts.

this weekend i will be in Santa Ana, CA at a Alternative Solutions to Addiction conference. i imagine i will meet and learn a few tricks here and there. more to add to the tool box.

the baby will be here within the next 5 weeks. and truth be told, it was true what a few of my friends said to me about pregnancy bringing up everything unsolved that lives inside me. the past 8 months have been a process of  healing, retelling of stories, and dreaming with unsolved hurts that somehow manage to feel closer to love when in dreams. this series about violence was re-awoken too…not surprisingly as it is something that i deeply engage in on a daily basis, even if unconsciously. and i look forward to continuing the conversation for as long as it needs to take space.

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