documenting me

today was a rough day…as was yesterday. i weigh 144, about 29 more pounds than my usual weight. the midwife says I’m completely healthy and that all my weight is in my belly, that i have nothing to worry about.

that being said, i am tired. there never seems to be enough time in a day to accomplish everything i would like to do and everyone around me keeps telling me to just let it go…be okay with what i can and can’t do right now.

wish it was that easy for me to just let go.

I’ve had too much on my mind lately. everything from people i need to forgive to my brothers pre-trial coming to an end in the next few months. my to-do list doesn’t get any shorter, it seems to get longer. and i am not writing nearly as much as i need to for my own sanity’s-sake.

this seems like a venting blog entry. i don’t mean it to sound like that. but sometimes “venting” helps me to get to what is really going on with me.

i guess I’ve been sad lately. it is hard to be tired and sad at the same time because i don’t think the two emotions mix well…or maybe they mix too well and then i am left more sad and more tired…life keeps on going and i have to roll with it because there is no other choice. i don’t feel bad for how i feel, am not ashamed of my emotions. only that working and trying to get through lists of things to do feels so much heavier and more challenging when experiencing these two emotions. tonight i spent by the fire. i wanted to cleanse the Eagle wings I have with sage. that felt good but by the end of my ritual i felt a bit light headed and needed to stop so that i can come home, write, and rest.

it’s a beautiful night in long beach. i feel so blessed with the southern cali weather…i couldn’t do cold-cold weather or hot-hot weather for long periods of time. and being by the ocean really helps to balance my energy. i know i am going through something, releasing deep thoughts, melancholy, and working through emotions that have to get worked through as i re-birth myself again and again. all this is hard work, mostly internal work that sometimes can feel quite lonely without intentionality on my part to reach out to folks.

it’s not so late but i should get to bed soon. we have court tomorrow early morning for my brother and I’m totally stressing. will take a hot shower and see if that helps me relax a little.

here is a song i enjoyed today:

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