in a battle where fear cannot win

i asked my sister to do some investigation for me on my mothers birth experiences. although i firmly believe that i have already broken legacies needed to be broken and that i am not my mother, that this body i live in is 100% mine and that there is no reason at all that i have to repeat anything she has gone through….

i still wanted to know. i wanted to know why she had 5 cesareans. she investigated and let me know, “her cervix didn’t open wide enough for her babies to come through”.

upon hearing this, there was a moment of, “what if this happens to me?” immediately followed by thoughts like, “i am my own person and that will not happen with me.”

we’ll see what happens. i know i have to create a birth plan that includes both the birthing center and a hospital birth.

i’m preparing my body with herbal teas, exercise, prenatal yoga, books upon books, and mental and spiritual strength/willingness/prayers. what else can i do but talk to baby and ask that they be gentle on their momma’s body and help me help them.

in some ways i realize I’m in a battle where fear cannot win. all the learning I’ve experienced up to this 30th year of  mine has led me to believe in my self, my ability to take care of myself on all levels, and my ability to (re)birth myself, organizations, collectives, writings, ideas, and now this baby inside.

at 30 weeks, 4 days i spend my days in meditation with baby, listening to nature sounds radio on pandora, hearing buddhist monks chant on this tiny radio i found that only plays buddhist monks chants, and in silence. water (being in it and around it) calms fears and reminds me that we (baby and i) can get through this. that the waters we are made of will help us flow together the day of their arrival.


photo: momma ocean and I with baby at 28 weeks, welcoming the new year. (this was taken right before my helmet head momma-to-be haircut i got going for me now…and i used to make fun of someone i knew who always had a helmet haircut…look at me now with my very own. oh, and also this was the last time i wore these jeans. no more pregnant jeans for me, i don’t fit them anymore, all i wear now is long skirts that loosely go under my belly and dresses. and the weather in l.a. is warming up now so less wearing of the same boots I’ve been wearing for months now.)



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