(written on the 25th of december 2012)
i’ve spent most of my day at home with d and my 2 cats.
earlier we walked by the ocean, witnessing her waves crash into rocks, her tide low.
we picked up rocks, shells, and little sticks. treasures for the house, gifts for people, and for the art box. today we agreed would be arts and crafts day. she made a bag for her niece who also collects natures treasures. i read and wrote.
we watched 2 movies. ate too many tamales and drank ponche, a special holiday drink made of fruits that my sister dropped off to me earlier today.
with her food gifts she also brought a gift for the little baby. she’s given us all the gifts we have for the baby.she reminds me that we all await this baby with patience and infinite excitement.
i wanted/needed today to be quiet. to be for me and baby, and this family we are growing.
i carry melancholy deep as the ocean. lucky for me, momma ocean has the capacity to hold all my sadness and much more. the holidays are a favorite season but they also remind me of how distant my family and i are, specifically my mother. this hurts more than i would like it to, working through it. this time last year i was also in a very different place. struggling with a love who i had to chase to love. what a lesson to learn this year as i let that go and allowed for love to flow inward not just outward.
as i sat on the boulder rocks, clouds up above, wet sand and white foamy water below i remembered the birthing story of the baby inside.
i spent countless days and nights, between full moons, work responsibilities, and smiles in the waters of rio de janeiro, brasil.
i prayed to the ocean, cried to her, asked her to heal my heart and womb so that i can carry a healthy child. i would walk into her offering concealed emotions, fears, wounds, and hopes. the cool waters of the ocean and the waters within me seem to have conceived este bebe que traigo dentro de mi, this baby i carry. they definitely made it possible for me to healthily get pregnant at first try.
at 6 months, moving about in my belly the baby reminds me of the water medicine we all carry inside. the ability to flow through change, even when it hurts the most, is something we all have. the inner knowledge of how to move from feeling “stuck” or stagnant to flow, swim, and sometimes crawl through the river rocks of life knowing we have a mission, a destination to reach.
reaching my third trimester has been a blessing, there is much more talk and preparation for the birth. in my conversations about the birth water comes up a lot. not only am i retaining and intaking much more water to feed both my body and baby’s body but their water too will be working with me/or me with them to help them come into this world. my midwife says babies know exactly what to do, when to safely come and when to stay or move ways that may not make sense to us because they are either protecting their mothers or themselves of something we can’t see.
my spiritual beliefs remind me that this baby chose to live inside me, to come visit us in this human world, teach us lessons, and live out the life they know they will live even before coming here. this gives me a sense of peace…knowing that baby already knows who their parents are, family, and the destinations we will all travel together, in mind, heart, body, and spirit.
i’ve been telling folks that in just 3 months (estimated due date: March 25) our lives will change drastically. being pregnant does change ones life. my appetite, ability to move quickly, energy levels, time spent at work shifted, community and family commitments become clearer, and emotionally a lot comes up to process (truth be told here that the last 6 months whether in dream or in wake life lots of unprocessed, unfinished, or lasting wounds have come up to re-member, process, or release),…lots of changes. but when baby is physically in this world, at arms length, showing us what they need, bringing messages, teaching lessons, etc. now that is gonna bring about major transformations in our lives.
i knew i wanted to be a momma from a young age, and now its happening. excited, with open arms, i welcome the changes and pray that i may be the best mamita for this baby possible.