changes noticed

i feel i have reached the beautiful, definitely more enjoyable, not so nauseous part of pregnancy and the best part about it is that i can eat fish again! the body expansion is still happening. mostly outward and not to my sides, my intestines continue to get smaller so the placenta and baby can grow. my body is shaping in a way that i really enjoy dressing up, i love the cool L.A. weather because i can wear stockings and boots with dresses, layer up, and wear my new thrift shop find: a warm down poofy snow jacket.

with the reaching of 23 weeks, i feel the baby move A LOT. it’s stunning to feel a little being inside oneself, kicking, moving, swimming, doing summersaults because they still can, and pushing up against me (their favorite spots are my rib cage and mid back)…

the baby is awake for a lot of my dream time so the movements of the baby sometimes end up being part of my dreams. in all my dreams i am pregnant and the dreams themselves feel like they are just an extension of my wake life. this has been healing. i have conversations i want to have and i do things that i want to do. there is a lot of agency and speaking up in my dreams.

it’s been a beautiful encouragement for my wake life because i have been able to transform this desire/goal into all aspects of my life. the lesson i woke up with this week was: NO MORE SILENCING of myself for other peoples benefits or to protect others. this includes organizations/institutions, people i work for, people i work with, friends and family.

i went over to a friends house this week for her to take photos of the NO MORE SILENCING images i came up with. powerful to be witnessed. i thought of taking self-portraits but why not be witnessed and held while marinating in the new lessons learned?

i plan to follow up with more photos around this topic but to begin the series with her documenting my movements, was precious.

this theme of no more silencing has impacted my life in other ways worth nothing as well. I’ve known myself to be a strong, courageous lioness mostly all my  life, whether it be for my family or friends, but lately, this part of me has flourished and become an even louder part of how i walk this life. some examples:

-when strangers look at my partner too long, i go up to them and ask if they need something, i don’t stay quiet anymore, and i certainly don’t internalize their problems as my own.

-i stood up to the lawyer representing my family in my brothers case and told him i was not satisfied with his work, he needs to try harder because i am trying my hardest to follow through with my end of the deal: $20,000.

-i told my sister never to apologize for calling shit out for what it is, especially to privileged white women who convince themselves they are anything other than white because they marry a brown man.

i’ve finally reached the point where I’ve had enough with the apologizing, belittling of myself to take care of others who can’t handle the truth. this is not to say I’m going to walk around grumpy and bitter screaming at everyone, but it does mean LESS SILENCE.

am grateful for all this that i am living in the now. the process of preparing for mami-hood has opened up new conversations with friends who want to support my growing family; new dreams between delia and myself, how we want to raise this child, how we want to remain connected to each other through the new life-long commitment of co-parenting; as mentioned in previous blog posts, my sister and i have gotten closer, spent our first thanks-taking together with d’s family; and i have stood up to my mother with new boundaries that are healthy for the little child and me.

life is moving. literally inside of me but also externally. it’s almost as if i can feel the globe moving these days.

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