this morning i woke up with an abundance of fear.
quisiera arrancar el santo miedo de mi corazón, just for a moment so that i can take a deep breathe, like the ones i feel down in my belly, not just my chest.
why all the fear?
life changed my path unexpectedly and now i am faced with new challenges that i was not expecting during this time of creating life inside me.
i fear the pressure i have put on my partner to financially sustain us, at least for now, until i find part time work.
i know countless familias that have done what i am doing, what we are doing together. i know poverty doesn’t end relationships or make them unhealthy if we are intentional in our everyday interactions and dream-making together. and we do be intentional and we continue to dream and friends tell me they are in awe at how i don’t ever sound cynical or bitter. i don’t sound like that because i am not. i have hope and look to all the possibilities in front of me/us. but still, it is scary to be bringing in a child to this world feeling so unprepared financially. and i know that some people, people who not too long ago were in my life, people i let go in the last couple of years, would say i am so irresponsible for bringing yet another child into poverty.
and i write that and i think, i have so many more opportunities to “make it” than the majority of “poor” people who are in my current situation so this blog entry is not about me feeling sorry for myself or not recognizing my own privileges within this current place i am in.
the looming lawyer bill, birthing center bill, and possibly a “bonus” for the lawyer to do what we all know he can do if he just wanted to do it has us pinned up against a damn corner where new housing is not an option for us even though we are bursting out of our current one room situation. i re-read this entry and i remember that this is all temporary. these bills will get paid somehow and this time will pass. we chose to take on the lawyer and the birthing center. and once these are paid, we will be fine again, even with one salary or one salary and half. we will find our new home and this baby will get all its needs met. we are not alone.
yet the cops in my head want to run wild at 5am when our alarm goes off and i get up to make her lunch because its the only thing i know i can do to support her supporting us. and i mention looking up food pantry’s and she doesn’t say much in response and then i text her soon after she walks out the door reminding both of us, we are gonna be okay. she agrees.
and then i remember that she is choosing to be with me, that i am not forcing her and that she is also a responsible adult who just happened to fall in love with me. and she chooses to stay in love, because love is a choice. and when someone told me love was a choice when i was 18, i thought they were crazy but now i know that it is true. the sparks of the honeymoon always remain, but what keeps the fire going is choice, and a willingness to keep learning and re-learning each other.
i quiet the cops in my head by writing emails to my remaining connections in L.A. to let them know i am available for work. part time because that is what d and i have agreed to because she doesn’t want me working more. not because she is a machista trying to keep a housewife at home, but because she loves me so much and just wants to see me happy and healthy. she knows that preparing for a child takes time and intentional taking care of self. she knows my community work is incredibly important to me, that working in healthy teams on ending sheriff violence and fighting for land in south central take time. she knows that work doesn’t pay but she supports it because she knows that in the larger picture, that is the work that matters most. that is the work that will help shift the strategically doomed future of our communities into brighter, healthier futures. that because of that work this baby will grow up well rooted in principles of love, justice, possibility.
the persistent head cops want to win me over. but at 10pm when we go to sleep and d has anxiety stored in her body and its my turn to work because she has been working all day, it is my turn to give her back some energy by massaging her feet, legs, back, arms and head with her favorite lavender oil that i found cheaper and a bigger size at the store the other day, i pray to my hands and ask that they don’t get tired because she says my touch is healing and so i want to make sure that by the time she falls asleep, i have worked her anxiety out of her body, and i don’t cry because i don’t want her to wake up or feel my worry.
my loyal cats that d learned to love because i love them, purr next to us and that is what i use as my own lullaby. i don’t count sheep but i look to d as she sleeps and i thank life for teaching me that love is so much more magnificent than i had ever imagined it or seen it to be. i look out the window and i search for the moon who sent me this mujer who looks like the moon embodied in flesh and i thank her for coming to be with me on this journey called life, motherhood, and grand love.
i thank la Luna for this baby that we were gifted much sooner than i expected, for the support of my sister & M, B who loves me so much she wants to help find me work and who has raised 2 children of her own who now are in college, the Team who let me blabber on last night about my worries, and this writing that once again calmed my heart and let me breathe deeper.
gracias, gracias a la vida.