6 a.m. thoughts

with the silence of the 710fwy, my backyard behind my backyard, i woke up this morning with energia to share, to write. escribir algunas cosas, little pensamientos i’ve been having about todo…everything.

first off, i’m currently living another heartbreak. this one over my trabajo. my job i so longed to start and be a part of. i am having to leave it WAY earlier than expected because of so many reasons i won’t go into here but the one reason i will share is because it’s time i take care of myself and the growing baby inside. full time job plus did not end up working out. it was a difficult decision until i realized i was neglecting myself and the rest of my life. with my new freed up time i hope to find a place in long beach i can volunteer at that works with similar issues and youth.

i think what is hardest about leaving my job is that i had high hopes about helping the place in ways that i was unable to. in some ways i feel like i failed. then i rub my eyes and i remember that i didn’t fail. on the contrary sometimes leaving is the best thing i can do if i know i won’t be able to get much done even if i stay.

moving forward i look towards rest, movement, meditation, and writing. d has been extremely supportive about the switch in how i spend my time. i think she also look forward to having the me with energy back. i can share the responsibilities of our community home more equally now. spend time cooking yummy inventions like the one i created last night. ingredients were: okra, carrots, onion, garlic, purple kale, cumin and paprika. it was a soupy kinda meal where we dipped my favorite sour dough bread in for some deliciousness 😀

cooking for others makes me so happy and i don’t do it often enough. i look forward to having the time to do it more, i dream of hosting dinner parties where home cooked food, music, and love are shared between guests.

the sage burns behind me, filling my room up with its strong scent of “everything is gonna be okay.” i had to get up to grab a sweatshirt too. its chilly in the mornings now. i absolutely love it. haven’t experienced coldish weather since last winter on my trips to seattle. in rio de janeiro and los angeles it is HOT. i am so ready for cloudy days, rainy days, sweater-wearing days, boots, thick socks, and long sleeved dresses. it is Fall now, then winter, and as we welcome Spring, my baby will be here. An Aries baby. meaningful in so many ways. some of my best relationships have been with Aries people. we are both hard headed, stubborn, but so passionately loving towards each other. i look forward to meeting my baby, learning the lessons they will teach me.

another lesson in the living beyond survival series:

this is a reminder lesson. i have learned this lesson before. some years ago when working at a counseling center, i focused on youth services. the lesson: i don’t have to sacrifice my intuition or principles in order to work well in an already existing team. on the contrary after the years of youth work i have put in, i feel quite strong trusting my intuition and standing firm on my principles. for years i have carried the knowing that i have made many, many mistakes in working with youth. some that i can’t ever take back, some that have really hurt the youth i have worked with. bad supervision, lack of experience, and NOT trusting my intuition are the only things i can look to when trying to figure out and be at peace with past mistakes. so as i leave my beloved workplace i take new lessons, new questions, and a deep gratitude for the time spent with the youth. i am also walking away with a determination to continue to work with youth and their families in therapeutic capacities in the future. it’s about time i get my MFT license! once the baby is born i can start my hours up again after 3 years of leaving the therapy/psychology field.

the smell of sacred sage continues to fill my room.  i’m drinking jasmine tea with a little bit of half and half, mmmm, yummy. i’ve also gotten up to put thin sweatpants on under my long sleeping gown because its cold this morning! i just read that at 16 weeks i may start to feel the baby move inside me. i may not know that its my baby moving, i may confuse it with gas in my belly, but its my baby fluttering, wiggling their little fingers and toes. stretching, and kicking. que emocion. so excited for this new development and my awareness of it. i look forward to pre-natal yoga classes at my old favorite yoga spot Liberation Yoga, mediation classes at the local Tibetan Buddhist temple, and the silent mornings spent with my cats. i love love love the mornings. mornings represent new beginnings to me. a time to start new, an opportunity to do what i didn’t do the day before, a fresh breathe.

lots of love. must get breakfast going, my beautiful housemate Q will be waking up soon.


this morning’s sound track, enjoy:


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