1. i am growing older. you can see it in and around my eyes. my skin looks different. i look beautiful and aged. i got out of the shower some night this week and took the time to look into myself, into my dark brown eyes. then i realized, “wow, I’m getting old.”
2. i am getting bigger. 3 months this sunday and my belly is grown…a lot. i got scared. i was at work and looked at my body and thought, “i look fat.” yes, i admit it, i said that to myself. no, not a nice thing to say to oneself. it’s time i (once aging) deconstruct what beauty looks like to me. i’m 30 and don’t want to carry someones else’s idea what beautiful looks like. especially when I’m carrying a baby inside of me. this little being feels and knows me too well already. scary but true. sometimes i wonder if i will make it through the 9 months of growing, changes, and emotions. i’m just being honest, these thoughts happen. and i am sure I’m not the only one who has had them.
this baby is bringing up the past, present, and future…sometimes all at once. i’m excited, thrilled. but pregnancy is not just about carrying a baby and giving birth. i feel like leading up to this point when i decided it was time to carry my own child, i had a year (at least half a year, intense) of deep cleansing in my own life. who was gonna stay and who was gonna go. including memories of the past that no longer served me or the path i am on now. this path i knew i was on but didn’t know i was on. this summer, a letting go of friendships, and melancholy of past relationships i carried for too many years. i feel new and yet all of the past is still roaming around. this baby brings me dreams of spiders and their webs, of coyote’s on mountain tops, and people no longer in my life. we have forgiving conversations that could never exist in wake life.
for the first 2.5 months i felt like i was having to learn to let go of my own mother and the hatred she has towards my life and who i am in this world. i did limpias and threw up all the toxic shit i carry, i am still throwing up, cleansing, making room for this bebe and this path i am on. i chose it over all other relationships. made that clear to my loved ones who questioned me out of fear. 3 months into it, i feel so held by my hermana, la fabiola y su hijita, la luna encarnada que duerme a mi lado tod@s las noches, mi gente de YJC/Free L.A. High School, and of course las queer mujeres from ceremony.
these days i seek a closeness that is different from love i sought in the past. if only i knew then what i know now. pero lo pas ado, pasado, and its more than time to move forward with lessons learned about love and relationships.
i want love that is solid, dependable, honest, and loyal. nothing less. never again.
le doy gracias a la vida that my sister moved to san diego, perfect timing, when i need her the most she showed up. don’t have words that can show my appreciation for her, our conversations, and the weekend visits.
and another- la fabiola who i met a little over 3 years ago. we have seen each other struggle in, out, and through relationships, talked about everything under the moon, and shown each other the type of support that keeps you laughing through the shittiest of times. along with my sister, she will be at the birth when this poetry decides its time to see the world-light.
i guess thats much more than just 2 things i realized in september😉
here is some Carla Morrison who I have a total star crush on. I love her voice and the lyrics to her music are heart wrenchingly beautiful, melancholy, filled with longing and so much love. enjoy.