a little bit of everything

i woke up with melancholy on my pillow. had a dream with someone i used to know, whom i loved like crazy.

literally like a madwoman. tried too hard even after it was done. except i didn’t know it was done.

in this dream i asked her all the questions i’ve carried in my heart for months now. the why’s and how come’s and when’s. like in wake life, this person had no answers for me. all they could manage to say is that they were happy.

i can’t get mad at happiness. so i woke up with high hopes for my own capability of finally letting her go, “be happy”.

i told myself, by the time you get out of this bed, you will imagine her planting new seeds of happiness. with that, you can be at peace with the relationship and move on yourself too.

so i did what i told myself to do. i imagined her planting seeds and everything. i got up, served myself some cereal, and got really sad. then being the compassionate person i am (to myself included), i decided that i should let myself be sad for a few moments, let myself mourn the relationship and then let it go.

well, i sat on the couch next to my pile of clean laundry that i have to put away soon, and let myself be sad.

not sure what to do next, i picked up the computer and started writing. sometimes the sadness only cools down when i write. the tears come and i just write it out. write, write, write, until the tears stop and i can go on with my day.

today there are not many tears, just a little tugging at my heart, knowing that my dream has some true knowledge to share with me about finding peace, being peace.

there are BIG changes happening in my life right now. with all these changes, fear tends to creep in from all doors. fear of self. fear of not recognizing myself. these changes I’m referring to are happy changes, they are just HUGE. so it makes it a little overwhelming to think about how much my life is actually transforming before my eyes.

the new job is great. i work with a supportive team who seek to help end the school to prison pipeline, who care about youth in deep meaningful ways, and who accompany youth in ways that most adults don’t. school starts this coming week. I’m excited for the halls to be filled with their energy.

i’m still gathering the lessons learned from this summer. seems to me that there are too many to understand all at once. i think my biggest lesson learned is don’t leave l.a. for a long period of time because i will miss it too much. with l.a. comes all my support system, the people who challenge me to the best person i can be, with l.a. also now comes my sister who moved only 1.5 hours away.

i turned 30 a few weeks ago. at 30 i know that i want to be more intentional about building for the future. i want to buy land with friends/family and build little houses on it and share garden and library space. i also want to help open up a cafe. a community space where yummy food and conversation are found. i feel grateful that i made it to 30. i’ve been waiting for my 30s for a long time it seems. i always hoped more wisdom would come during my 30s. the 20s were rough and filled with mistakes. they were also my foundation for the now so i know they brought me many lessons that i learned from and implemented. after a while i just got tired of my own shit. from 28-29 i was on a rampage to be the person i said i am and want to be. i think i did a pretty good job at it. i still have tons of lessons to implement and I’m nowhere near perfect but i gotta tell you, I’m so much closer to myself than i have ever been. part of me feels like i want to apologize that i couldn’t get here quicker…but i’m here, or getting here…wherever here is…maybe no need for an apology but still it seems appropriate for some situations and relationships.

the sadness quiets down.

i better get going. i have lots to do today. mostly cleaning and finally unpacking the brasil bags. it’s been hard to unpack. part of me wants to give away everything i took with me and just start new. not sure yet why i feel this way. all i know is that I’m grateful to be home. and sooooo looking forward to the next full moon ceremony on the 31st. it feels like it’s been too long since i’ve been in ceremony in community. definitely missed it while i was gone and part of the reason why i longed to come home so  much by the end of my trip.





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