day 15

its been 15 days since i’ve sat down to write. my voice has been silenced by the busy-ness of life. i hate when that happens and yet it happens too often.

in my heart, i feel as you all do, many emotions. some crash into each other as cars do on fast and furious freeways. it’s exhausting and yet so often filled with lessons to be learned from.

i have been quiet too because there have been changes that i don’t know what to do with yet. still learning to walk again (and i think unlearning and re-learning is something we will all do/i will do always). a few months ago i read my flower cards, they said i had just been through a period of learning whats important in my life, and that i was in midst of a lot change, and that more change was to come. i remember turning to d in fear of what i had just read. i didn’t want more change, already feeling fully overwhelmed with los cambios del presente.

love fearlessly, i say. but the hidden fear wakes up when i let myself feel the high stakes, the real cost to the slow movement that never seems to reach the hurt of:

the youth walking numb to their own feelings as a mode of survival- no blame, makes sense;

the mothers of the youth that spit truth but are hardly listened to cuz the hurt is just too deep;

how my brother doesn’t know that his anxiety actually stems from his 9 months in my momma’s belly, the 5th of 5. lil brother, hang on, la vida sigue y sigue and fucken shit it doesn’t slow down nor make sense. we are here for you, unequipped but with love for you.

and the heart makes no sense of all the lucha, the heart hurts, the bodies aches at the lack of movement.

day 14- i asked my voice where she was. and a million thoughts and images came to mind in response. the images of the militarized lapd, the pandilla de los pinches sherifatos that my ethics demand i make human…and i fail at it cuz i just can’t ignore what i feel when i see what i see.

day 15. estoy cansada, i want to take my time back. i want to feel that i am living beyond survival.

all the while there is struggle, it’s also the first time in my near 30 years of life that i feel completely and utterly enveloped in my own, unique, self-created process of developing a sustainable and life-giving spiritual practice. i feel supported, held in communities. LOVED. i am growing and i know it. that’s why it hurts some days, growing pains.

more music from the beyond survival series:


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