afraid of change(ing)

change is hard. it pulls and tugs at old wounds crashing into waves of healing seeking to get it in…in to my body.

habit on the other hand is easier to live out. it’s already present so there is not much negotiating. it just happens.

re-reading yesterday’s writing shared brings tears to my eyes. so what does that all mean? what does it mean to feel new? what does it mean to be whole?

i feel like a 1 1/2 year old learning to walk.

does being whole mean i’m supposed to know the answers to my heart’s questions? does being whole mean i can’t love in pieces anymore and if i do, what will happen? what does healing mean in this case, is it that i no longer think about the past or repeat old patterns? where are these questions coming from?

change is hard. i’ve often not liked it. sometimes i prefer the comfort of my old knowings. the old couch i can sit on and know will be comfortable. i prefer an old diet where i don’t have to feel my body learning to like new foods. i prefer the old music that beings me comfort.

but when change is here, in my body, in my whole being, there is nothing i can do but flow with it. there is no stopping el cambio once she decides to stay and grow. i’m a crossroads and there is no turning back..because even though change is hard i got to a point where i had no other choice but to learn to walk again. everything i thought would happen didn’t. i’m leaving a job people would think I’m crazy for leaving. I’m starting new again. and yet the new path feels as if it has been the same path I’ve been on just with some unexpected turns, twists, and cycles back to work that feels familiar but new.

yesterday i was sharing with P about learning to implement holistic treatment (drug and alcohol in the context of neoliberalism) into educational learning spaces focused on working with youth and young adults. i was amazed that she’s had experience with this work, that she and a team of hers put a curriculum together around this very topic!!! (i’m on the right path. affirmation.) this work I’m coming to is new, but old. I’m cycling back around to work that I’ve  been interested in doing since i was 14. i didn’t know what to call it but i knew what it felt like and why i wanted to do it. the path I’ve been on for 15 years (maybe 30? maybe even more?) has led me back to healing work that feels just right for me and where i am at in my life, and the type of team i want to work in/with to do this work, it feels like its all coming together.

at the ceremony on saturday i kept seeing images of spirals, coils…no end and no beginning, just an acknowledgement of the spirals, the full circles that we make in this life time..often with out knowing it until its happening or it has happened. i love this about life. i just have to remember i said all this when change overwhelms me and i get afraid. a full circle is happening and will happen over and over again and i have no idea what i will come back to or grow into that is completely new.

spirals, turning tables, change. grounding, roots and wings.

rest. acceptance.

*music for today- this song i danced to when i was in elementary school. it was on pandora this morning and thought it was perfect to accompany this post.

**and this video you have to be patient and watch what happens at 1 minute 26 seconds. these children are too cute! made me smile, laugh 😀 it’s a really long video so just watch what you can, and ENJOY!


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