be and be not afraid to reach for heaven

it’s morning again. what a blessing it is to wake up the way i do. with the silence of the house and all housemates fast asleep. the sage burns at my altar.

the morning time is my favorite time of the day. it’s the only “me” time i get on a daily basis. it’s my writing time, my self reflection time, the time i get to pray, ground myself, talk to the owl medicine on my altar, listen to what lessons she has for me that day.

the cats slowly wake up and start moving around the room, going to their window to look out into the back yard, see what they find curiosity in. sometimes i sit with them and stare out the window too, i want to see the view through their eyes. when i do this, i notice the birds on the trees, the tiny flying creatures, and the teeny ants carrying their food across the cement to their casita in the earth. my cats are funny. they pay attention to the littlest movements and they hear things i don’t hear. i love their company.

be and be not afraid to reach for heaven. i want to be and be not afraid to reach for heaven. i want to live my life fully, be present in each moment, i want to take risks that challenge me to grow, expand my capacity to love and be loved. yesterday i went to the ocean and brought yemaya flowers. with each flower i gave her, i also gifted her with an intention, a wish. intentions that are an extension of what is already happening in my life.

(in italics, an excerpts from a blog entry not posted last week)

i woke up to my moon cycle. i was happy she came. she’s been gone for 2 months and i was getting a little worried. she came on as strong as she usually does for the first 2 hours. i bleed and my body hurts, mostly my legs, belly, and lower back.

i fell back asleep knowing that the worst of the pain may come around 7am (its usual time). and yes, the pain returned stronger than i’d ever experienced during a moon cycle. with the unexpected level of pain i was overwhelmed with a feeling of fear of being alone so i called my housemate to see if she was around, and she was. she came in to see me, offer her love, support, tea. i accepted it all with an open heart and relief.

i threw up twice. only moon pain herbs came out of me. i will try and explain how significant this was for me. these herbs were given to me in a time in my life where i was still trying to figure out what medicine, what love, what path i would choose to live out…or better said, would i live out the life i chose to live while in the spirit realm?

the fact that herbs given to me for the pain were rejected by my body really solidified that my body is calling for new medicine/new types of love and healing, WHOLE love and healing. i think for a long time i welcomed and accepted love and medicine that came to me in P.I.E.C.E.S. Love that was filled with longing, filled with talk that never becomes reality. that love felt safe for me for so long. to not have to be fully present but choose when i would be there and when i would not, to not give my whole self to myself or anyone else, that is what felt safe.

and when it no longer felt safe, when i wanted to help transform that love into whole love…it was as if i unveiled a gem that i could no longer pretend not to see. i faced her, fully unclothed, seeking whole love because medicine, healing, and love in pieces was not for me anymore, and maybe not ever but that is all i knew to give. all week i’ve been saying out loud that i feel new, that even the old feels new. that my body feels lighter, refreshed. while in ceremony this past saturday, i became overwhelmed by the feeling of WHOLENESS. i cried in awe of my own healing. i finally was present with my liberation, the freedom i had been seeking was/is here and i can see/feel/touch it.

i know that for the past 2 years (since joining the queer women’s moon circle’s) i have been undergoing a change, a positive change involving healing old ghosts (shame, guilt, things not my own but who i shared space with in my body), healing from wounds both from this life and past lives, and healing my family from the legacies of substance abuse, shame, depression. it was not until 2 months ago that i started to notice huge changes in me. i began walking with out shame or fear of what people would say about me and how i choose to live my life. walking free of shame…i can’t even begin to describe how it feels…it feels like Zora Neale Hurston once described, “I have been in Sorrow’s kitchen and licked out all the pots. Then I have stood on the peaky mountain wrapped in rainbows, with a harp and a sword in my hands.” I feel like i’m at the peaky mountain wrapped in rainbows, i am the one who is holding the harp and sword in my  hands, i am surrounded by hummingbirds, and at my shoulder sits a barn owl who serves as my third eye, my intuition.

all this that i feel is not new. i have been working on these issues, this liberation knowingly for many years now. i didn’t have the language i have now to describe my experience but i know this is not new.

looking back at my old writing i found this from early February i was writing a lot about what types of relationships i need to be in that will nurture my whole being and what implications does that have on me and those i’m in relationships with. these questions required a life change for me. and here i am 2 months later living the answer to those questions. i think to begin with, the relationship i have with myself needed to go through its own transformation. i wanted to be more present with my friends, family, lovers, hermana-amiga’s, communities. in order to be available to others i had to go through a process of learning to be more present with myself, for myself. i look back at my path, where i have been and i am grateful for the teachers (people in my life) i have had who have shared so many lessons with me about getting free. i have so many journal entries on this, i re-read my writing and i see countless prayers, seeking to be liberated of the monstros that resided in me for too long.

the relationships (i am choosing to be in now) are feeding me as a whole person, as the spiritual, political, free-spirited, BIG loving mujer that loves to explore life and new adventures; a courageous mujer, the protective lioness that i have always been but now near 30 years into it am finally stepping up to live in and act from all of my power and light. there is less explaining that i am having to do about who i am. i am especially thinking about the mujeres from the moon circles who witness my journey, walk with me in my questioning, in my shedding of self to become whole. in my being and not being afraid to reach for heaven.

**Tracy Chapman, “I’m Ready”. it’s as if she is talking to her own heart, or someone, something, some being. i love this. 



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