this move has been by far the most difficult on my heart. not because it wasn’t needed or because i don’t like my new home. on the contrary, i am very grateful to have a place i can call home, i will live a much more peaceful life than i would have imagined myself living when the need to move first came up. so its not the new home that aches.
its my past. with each box i pack to take with me to the new place, i pack two boxes to give away. my memories packed in boxes for someone else to find treasures in, find some use of the stuff i am forcing myself to leave behind. sometimes change doesn’t come lightly and its not even welcomed. the recent heart break came up at me like a sledgehammer, straight through my heart and out through my back. if that wasn’t a visual enough, it sucked and hurt. the remnants of a lost love, dreams never come true, and questions my spirit can’t bear continue to answer, all in boxes and ready to be put out at the corner with the rest of the past.
so much seemed to have happened since the heartbreak. just upon returning from my last visit to Seattle, i found out a youth from the yjc had been killed, shot in the head by poverty, greed, and a society to busy trying to survive to stop and ask questions. the week after that, i found out i’d be taking on the fund-raising for my brothers defense. and the week after that a young man gets arrested on our school site having been tricked into signing a story that did not belong to him..imprisoning him until further notice. and the week after that, another young man from our community is shot dead, another hit to the head. and in between todo eso, i lost a friend, a colleague when her racism/classism came through unexpectedly, dejandome really disappointed. maybe if i had more energy i could make amends, stretch myself to ask why come? what happened? why did you say that? too bad my energy is my most valuable resource right now and i can’t extend myself or risk more heart ache.
i have no question why i was literally bedridden last week for 6 days. a migraine that could kill and a fever, plus a cough/cold as my three accomplices to the pain my spirit carried for a month and half. i was non-stop, on a mission to get through the sh** so that i and my community could breathe again. except, i too easily forget that some people are pinned up against walls that don’t let them rest. survival is all they can think about. it is exhausting to swim up shore. i can’t help but recognize all my privileges, and the rest my spirit and body have access to. but the relentless cough remains present with me, reminding me that if i want to be around for the long haul, i don’t have a choice but to take the time to rest and rejuvinate so that i can keep going, walking with people i love and care about.
so many tears shed in the last week. finally. i found myself at the funeral service balling my eyes out. the youth i went with also crying her heart out, bonding happened as the choir sang to Jesus Christ, powerful voices, telling R and i to shed our last tear and that He loves us. I hadn’t been in a church in years, but it was exactly what i needed to burst open the waterfall of lagrimas that had been stuck behind the cage of my eyelids, refusing to give in. and it felt so good to release, breathe, release some more.
and now on to a new phase, a new chapter in my life. i have no idea whats to come. all i know is that within this really intense time period, i also let go of shame. what will life be like without my trusty shame to creep in through the back door? what will take its place in my heart? it’s amazing to be able to hold hands with courage, look shame in its eyes, and say, “there is just no more room for you here shame. you have to go.”
seems like a giant break through that i am in the middle of. i wish that it felt like a break through, instead it feels like im pulling my own teeth. i hate change. but its so needed and i know that there is so much wisdom to come of this break through.
as i have in many other posts, i have to take the time to share appreciation to my heart-friends and family who whether close or far have shown up to support me through the changes, the break throughs, and the mourning of the last month and half. i don’t know what i would do with out your company through this struggle we call life. and yet, i know i am on my path (finally) to living my life beyond survival. seeds and dreams are planted, Spring is here, i am bound to see the fruits and blooms.
p.s. what is a mexican heartache with out JOSE JOSE? (ha, ja, pero estilo ROC..ROCK…)