i spent my lunch time with a friend of mine today who i would like to spend way more time with than she and i actually have time for. but our 40 minutes was lovely and we got to talking about everything under the sky.
as i was driving away from her work, i blasted Modest Mouse’s, “Float On” song and reflected on our conversation.
i realized that what she and i did for each other was simply help each other get by, survive the current happenings of our lives and provide nods and hugs to accompany the many emotions our bodies carry.
i’m grateful for her and friends like her who have shown me their willingness and ability to be emotionally present for me in ways that i long for and need. i think we all need that type of love. some of us are more ready to give and recieve it than others. but we all deserve it.
i think courage has something to do with it, and honesty to self about our needs and desires. it also takes an immense amount of commitment to ourselves and each other, to stand by each other no matter whats going on around us.
i feel a re-birthing coming and its painful. thank goodness for heart friends that show up when i need them to.
someone recently wrote to me advising me not to be afraid of my own voice. i couldn’t believe she said that. i don’t even know her and she dared call me out.
i know i hold back here for many reasons. mostly, the fear of someone reading my words and misusing them, taking them out of context to make unnecessary damages.
writing about my own life is teaching me about working through fears that i never thought i would have to face. bell hooks writes extensively about her process of self revelation. in sharing about her own process of writing autobiography, she speaks about her fears, guilt, and doubt about writing about her family life, her upbringing. now i find myself in a similar position where i question whether writing about myself so intimately can get my family in trouble, or if someone reads it and shares it out of context. i have worked so hard to be in a good place with them that i would hate for more misunderstanding to happen.
so do i stop writing about what is closest to my heart? am i betraying my loved ones by writing about us? do i betray myself if i stop writing about me? am i selfish for thinking i can publicly discuss issues and experiences that include loved ones? who does this blog serve, why?
so many unanswered questions. i recently told J that its so important to follow our intution. to not doubt that which our heart feels. our mind would like to take over and we live in a society where the heart is second or third on the list of importance. i want to make clear that i firmly believe that the belief and push for us to not follow our hearts is intentional and strategically that way to serve the powers that be. i’m no consipiracy theorist but i know that if more of us followed our hearts and our intution, there would be revolutions left and right. and let me not lie to myself that there are revolutions left and right currently. self-made warriors who navigate through fears using courage as their weapon, who follow their own moral and ethical compass, stand up for themselves and others, say no to a life guided by the poisons traumatic experiences can feed us. so if i follow my heart right now, if i do as my intution guides me to do, then i will continue to write and with a willing and open heart will face misunderstandings if they come. if i do anything else i think my heart would be so sad. as it is she’s already facing a lot of hardship right now, so why add to it?
i will keep writing as honestly as i have thus far. and i thank the mujeres who have reached out to me recently (both of whom i have never met) to encourage me to keep writing loudly, couragously.