i’m at capacity. translation: i feel full and if anything seems like it will cause me to spill over, i quickly shut down.
this is not something i am proud of necessarily. my attempts to de-stress seem to be successful but whenever i unexpectedly get into a disagreement with a loved one, i start to lose ground quickly.
then after, i feel guilty that in order to keep from spilling over, i stopped converstions mid-way, leaving the other person hanging.
it sucks to be at capacity.
how do i make room for relationships when my life seems to be very quickly filling up with life’s-work? challenging work that gives me life and gratitude and so much joy in tiny moments, not in floods.
this is a balance that i have struggled to learn for many years now. after a too long break of not working with youth and their families, i am back in 1000%, partly because i am in a different place in my life and carry so many lessons and learned tools along the way. but in no way do i want that to be my excuse for not taking care of the other needs and life-giving parts of my life…
what i need is a bigger container to hold all of me in so that there is more room for everything i am, carry, and desire (including continuing and growing in the relationships i am in- family, friends, etc.)…my grandpa says that when he is full he moves things around in his body to make room for more. i guess its time for me to do that too. i know there is sufficient space in me to hold and nurture all i have going for me right now, not because i am super mujer but because for the first time in my life i feel that everything fits together pretty well. i am not forcing pieces of the puzzle together, they seem to be floating to their spot on thier own, as i witness in appreciation.
to start with i have to get more rest, sleep. my mind, body, and spirit need a break every morning and night, no stress, no work, just re-energizing tenderness. this can be my time to write, cook, eat, share time with loved ones sometimes but mostly i need time for myself to be with myself since most of my days are spent with other people. my weekends will need to have more ocean, sky, mountains. there is no better way to come back into myself than being with nature, learning from her magic, taking notes, and using her as my bigger container that can hold all of me, plus my spill over when need be so that i can have those difficult conversations even when i’m exhausted.
someone told me that the year of the dragon is fierce and will fly by quick. being one month into 2012 makes me feel that its true. i imagine the dragon will challenge me to take self care to the next level. maybe i will even get myself back into a yoga routine? so needed.
i heard El General this morning on the radio and was reminded to go dancing soon. then when i looked him on youtube to share with you, i discovered for the first time a Tunisian rap artist named El General, he blew my mind and i had to share him too.