today i woke up with so many deep and loud emotions. they are screaming inside my body. on the outside i look put together but if you dig a little you will find a gold mine of emociones rooted to the knowing that things can and should be different. there is too much unecessary intentional dehumanization of one another. and my heart just can’t wrap its head around the why’s…
the young mans unexpected death and its impact and symbolic meaning to our community and the daily struggles the youngsters have to face has me in thought and pure sadness. not the kind of sadness that holds me back at home in bed depressed, but a sadness that i can walk around with, carrying it with me as i do every little detail in my life.
on my way to work this morning as i was reaching the SC campus i felt like blasting so loudly la muscia that makes me feel whole again. ramon’s voice came on the radio and i put it so loud that the workers around the neighborhood would turn their heads to look to see where the music was coming from. i would smile and wave in gratitude for our acknowledgement of each other. i needed that so much, i needed to be witnessed and they were able to provide that to me simply by sharing a nod, a smile, or wave. i began to tear up at one point when vicente fernandez’s voice came on with volver volver, not because i am really that attracted to his particular voice or music but because i realized that i am carrying too much, it was the first time i finally acknowledged that although i am a much healthier person who can handle the melancholy in ways that don’t stop me from living my life, i still need to check in with myself much more often so that i can be taking care of myself little by little as blows to the heart collect.
its amazing how much emotion one can hold and still be functionable. not surprising because i know and have witnessed so much resiliency. part of my resiliency is about taking deep breathes, walks by the ocean side, and opening up more space for my community of friends to take care of me when needed, i am not a clam and don’t need to close up when i am struggling. ah, yes, the little things i have to remember…i am human and i need to let me be loved!
today is another day at yjc. my heart is getting ready to continue to hold space for folks who need to process, vent, cry about el muchacho, their friend, student, comrade. as for me, tonight i hang out with some friends i have not seen in a long time. i am very much looking forward to our conversations and sharing experiences.