love these days has been feeling like the warm sun on a chilly day. allowing myself to marinate in its soft kisses feels freeing to my soul.
i have all the support one could ask for. not sure then why i am still not convinced that i am capable of letting go of the unnecessary layer of shame and guilt crawling over my skin. this morning a miracle happened. don’t know why or how or what but my mom came up to me outside the court house (we were there again just to be told that my brothers pre-trial process is being prolonged again…!) she hugged me and said she was sorry. and i said, why? we are okay. and she said no, i am sorry for everything.
i wonder if she saw through my smile and hugs this morning and noticed that i was carrying too many extra layers today. my blissful weekend ended not so well. this time i take full responsibility, knowing very well how that shame and guilt worked its a way into something really good. and now, for the consequences…and the facing of fears so that i can avoid it happening again and again.
exploring myself is harder than i could have ever thought it would be! i was naive to think that having a nurturing community would be sufficient to overcome life long embedded fears and monsters. will talk to Q about doing a “get off my back” ceremony, creating space to shed those extra layers of heaviness so that i can fly freer.