forgiveness begins at home (love series mixed up with reflections on 2011 series)

the clouds and cool wind make me want to go inside. turn the oven on, open the door to let it warm the house for me and the gatas. read, listen to old music that unexpectedly became new again,  share food with friends, but mostly these days sit in solitude with my thoughts, computer on hand, and the 3-4 books i am currently reading.

my reading list-

the new jim crow– because it is important and affects so many loved ones, known and unknown

teaching to transgress– because i often struggle with how much i do or don’t share with my students at a moments time, still learning to use my voice in the classroom.

random chapters in: all about love and sister outsider because they are good for sustaining the spirit.

the reading, the writing, the going inside during the winter seems so natural to me. most animals begin to hibernate at this time, go inward, hide, and retreat until the spring time…even the trees begin to shed for a couple of months until its time to birth new leaves and fruits.

the inward-ness state of being shifted my energy so much on monday that i decided to rearrange the furniture in my lil studio. i now have a dining area which i like very much. it feels so delicious to me to have a space to sit with myself and/or friends and family to share comida, laughter, and conversation. my mom brought over her old dining table and 4 chairs, she even included 4 of her beautiful tablecloths, altered to fit the table she used for many years in her home.

i think my sister and i will be a lot like my mom when we grow up. i have a feeling we will be decorating our own dining tables with holiday themed cloth and centerpieces. who woulda thought?

i am also feeling inspired by my idaho friend to make my own soaps and body scrubs. thinking i will do some of that soon as i continue to shed this years losses and make room for lessons. also inspired by her is making canela tea so that my house smells yummy of love and softness.

since changing my furniture around, i want to be home more often. the energy has cleared and a new energy has entered. i believe it has to do with the 11.11.11 moon ceremony marathon a couple of weekends ago and its continuation at my own place with j’s visit this weekend in from her little corner of the world. this weekend, on sunday night, after she had left, i began to go inward again, and the first lesson i learned is that forgiveness begins at home. if i want to make room for my dreams, the relationships and the work that i do to expand, grow, and flourish…its important i let go of:

1. guilt that does not belong to me

2. shame around being a queer mujer exploring polyamory (also baggage not belonging to me)…did i just say this out loud!?

3. old hurt (that i caused or was experienced by me)

in their place i want to sow-

* love, lots of it for myself, those who love me, and basically the whole universe

*self reflection to continue learning and doing

*productivity (not the capitalist kind but the kind that gets me going in the morning and nurtures me to complete goals i place for myself so that i feel more fulfilled with how my time is being distributed, in other words- finish incomplete projects and start the ones that have been on my mind/heart for too long)

not sure why making lists sometimes is the easiest way of releasing but it works for me 🙂

i found a lot of old music i still really enjoy. here are a few songs i’ve put on repeat recently, enjoy!


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