i was in line (again) at the l.a. courts to pay (another) traffic ticket. me and cars…we just do not have a very healthy relationship, at all…the nice lady at the window gave me what i experienced as, “a break”, extending my deadline to 8 months from now…i thought, “wow” if my ticket is this much money…and we assume that all the folks here today will be paying between $25 and $1,356…i know who keeps this city running…the economically poor folks who are just trying to get by, getting stopped and having to pay crazy amounts of money to the city…
it struck me how blessed i am for so much love around me, the love that has gotten be through so many hard times.
i know i have not written nearly as much as my heart longs to share thoughts, words, questions, concerns, laments. it has been a rough month/2 months. and i do not see “the end” of it yet, i know the light will shine through sooner or later, just not now.
as i walked out of the court house, i was overwhelmed by emotions of gratitude. my heart, eyes, and spirit felt themselves come alive. i realized that in midst of so much…cloudiness, i have to say…i am incredibly grateful for all the love received-even through, what many would call, “chaos” ❤
the leaps of faith i am currently taking, are…to say the least, quite IMMENSE. the losses are potentially grand.
so why take the leap of faith?
holding back, living out of a place of fear, just doesn’t cut it for me anymore. i have been in relationships with and seen so many folks around me, hold back, stay in places of comfort at the risk of being unhappy, not fulfilled, or living an unsatisfied life. nope. that just doesn’t do it for me anymore at all. not a bit attracted to that type of life, where lies become truths.
the process i am living right now, requires super power human levels of COURAGE and ganas to stand up for that thing we call, love/amor. self-love, love for others, love for this world and the next.
personal transformation. the first step to social change. if we are willing to honestly and transparently look at ourselves, ask ourselves the tough questions of how, why, what, and how do as individuals become a part of inclusive change that benefits more people than not…then i believe not only is social change POSSIBLE, but it really is happening in the here and now, and its a beauty to witness.
hearing about or witnessing the way my own friends, sister, lovers, co-workers, the strangers i meet for moments, have at one point or another, gathered the courage to take care of themselves/and those they love, has given me the extra empuje/push that i need to keep my trust steady in the universe’s capacity and willingness to love me through all the ups and downs of risk taking.
the transformation of my own personal relationships to be more healthy, radically transparent and honest, filled with super human levels of LOVE, SUPPORT for ourselves and others, curiosity, creativity, and a willingness to look at ourselves in ways that we may have been afraid to do before we all came into contact…all of these acts of courage that i witness first hand, i am truly and for ever grateful for.