a bit honest

i’m exhausted physically and some emotionally. i need deep rest con mud massages and a lot of sleep, good food, low demands from loved ones, just for a bit to allow mi cuerpo/alma to heal.

been through a beating of some sorts lately, remnants of 2010, slowly coming into a new chapter pero not always easy to have clean breaks in between chapters. this year marks my “every 7 years” renewal — every 7 years my body renews itself,i’d heard of this through friends, and for me its been true. at age 14, 21, and now 28 i’ve noticed a pattern, and my body is definitely feeling the transformation this year.

i’m witnessing (and so are my loyal ones) a “coming into myself”. i needed this so much, re-gaining my own physical/spiritual/mental space to focus on dreaming, making sense of many words/theories/life experiences floating in my body, and being safe and at peace. the new place is surrounded with green, earth and plants everywhere.

in the deepest of my caves a strong yet subtle voice wondering if i deserve this peace that’s at my fingertips? this, “come in, welcome, have a sit, would you like some dinner?” treatment. i know its elementary and of course i deserve good things, basic things like peace…but internally if i’m honest here, there’s a bit of a battle and i don’t know where it comes from.

where do these voices of self defeat, questioning oneself, shame come from?

reading audre lorde, aurora levins morales, and bell hooks often these days/nights. i’m trying to figure this one out, don’t want to continue to be haunted by these ghosts. hopefully with my body renewing itself, i can find some new answers, questions, and guidance.

 

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