in the background i hear…amaya’s sweet voice, “im gonna color” she says to me.
i hear…cars zooming down griffin street, maybe a little unsafe for my lil amayita, thoughts of a overly concerned tia race by my mind.
i hear…the lyrics and beat of, “hang on slupie, slupie hang on” the song i heard this morning as i parked in front of F’s casita…”we’re writing today”…
i smell…remnants of our breakfast…bacon (mmm, my favorite), eggs, and quesadillas, que rico!
in my heart i carry…my time with my mother and nephew at trump golf club yesterday, mr donald trump was allowed to purchase PUBLIC land and in exchange he graciously created a public park for us common folk who desire beautiful ocean and skylines…yes we enjoy and crave beauty too mr trump, thank you for being so kind as to let us onto your land…do you ever find it ironic that you think you can OWN pieces of mother earth? air, land, sea, sky? even the human cell? not even my 9 year old nephew could make sense of that.
i woke up knowing deep inside of me that one of the many reasons i need love in the not so traditional ways of heteronormative relationships is…that putting my politics and spirituality into practice means (right now) delving deeper into what trust and love can birth when they are brought together in transparent and honest ways…im doing this for my mother who can not love or experience love if her life depended on it. shes trapped in tradition violently shoved down her throat and up her vagina and anus, in through her ears and eyes. whose to blame?
i cant keep the tradition going…im doing this for you mother who desires so much more than you have ever had and unfortunately, maybe will ever have. i once told you, in response to you asking me why i was making the choices i was making, i was 20 and experimenting with standing up for the rights of others and my own…you were worried and wanted so bad to support me but didnt know how, it was the second time in two years i had made a decision that made no sense to you, the first was when i decided that at 18 i should travel con el novio, unmarried and omg maybe i will lose my “virginidad”…as i explained to you my decision over the phone, states apart, tears brought us together and i said, “im doing this for you, im only doing what i know you would have liked to do too.” to that you had no response, and since then i have known that through your tantrums and shit talking of my life, deep down inside my choices are not too far from what your choices might have been if only, if only you were to have been given the opportunities i have been given…the path you started, i am completing…risking so much to learn what it means “to be loved and to love”…yes, at times that may mean i do things that are “crazy or sin verguensa”…well not really but some may see it that way, opening myself up to (finally) let the world know that love comes in no sweet little boxes that we can fit into, instead love for me may come in ocean breezes, kisses from her and maybe later that one over there whose been staring me down from the moment i entered this place. let me make clear for all those who may read this and may think “esta esta loca, descadara”…let me tell you that in my 28 years of living in this body, imperfect as it is, inside lives a spirit that is now wise enough to know that, my body is a sacred temple, not to be messed with. who ever enters my space, my energy waves, my body, or my heart, they will be some pretty special folk. not just anybody has the right to enter, those times are long and gone, had too many experiences of letting myself be mistreated, thrown around in bed like a fucking mona that i am not, laying there just waiting for this shit to be over, cum already cuz im fucking bored and i dont like myself right now, done too much harm to those around me so now i let harm be done onto me. i was my own worst enemy. so glad those days are not the ones i live now.
these days, i treat myself with the utmost respect. offering myself the richest of conversations and embraces with/from loved ones. knowing at my core that the new chapter i began with out even knowing it, is exactly where i ought to be. with all its losses and all its beauty, im staying put and letting those around me have their own experiences too.
la navidad that i barely celebrate has passed and now getting ready for the new year. my heart fills with 1000 emotions, some that i do not know what to do with, so i sit with them and learn to play with them, caress and love them too, even when i feel confused or saddened at the losses of this year.
the biggest lesson of 2010:
more than i want to be with anybody else, i want to be with myself. grounded in strong love for the world and all the people and creatures in it, i write and continue to learn from others so that this coming 2011 year i bring into myself/put out joy into this world that sometimes feels too heavy or overwhelming. my discipline will get stronger only with intention and time. patience with myself and commitment to growing, joy, passion, love and curiosity.