b asked me this question a couple of weeks ago and this morning i woke up with an answer.
how did i get to the answer?
for one, i have had a really good week. i spent plenty of time with my friend jl who i care for deeply. she lends her house to me to “work from home”. her space is sacred to me for too many reasons to share now but maybe one day i will get into that.
i met up with N on monday. we had a good session. at the end i extended my arm out and said, “i want to do more of this to myself” I was referring to my longing to embrace myself more often. not be so harsh. in that session he and i realized that a “pattern” i had pointed out to was not really a “pattern” at all. WHEW! what a relief. the “pattern” ended up being me taking care of myself when everything inside me said, “it is time to go.”
ok and lastly, i had a dream last night. i woke up and shared it with L. here it is:
L and i had neighboring storage spaces. both of them were not completely full. his had one or two couches, a few frames, a lamp, and other things i can’t distinguish. i do not remember what was in mine other than a log with some kind of engraved face on it and paint. the dream took place in front of three storage places. the third belonged to woman and her daughter. neither L nor i knew this woman but she was friendly. she approached me with a box full of t-shirts. her daughter was wearing the same t-shirt as in the box, they were for sale. the t-shirt was not the type of t-shirt i would ever buy, it had a political message i am not in agreement with so i knew i would never wear it. but her daughter’s sweet face and her insistence had me pulling out my wallet to pay for a t-shirt.
as i was walking back to L’s storage space i noticed he and another person (unrecognizable, but maybe my brother M), were trying to kill a beautiful, giant spider…a shiny black widow with a one of a kind red spot on its belly. as soon as they were done smashing it, i noticed another big (as big as my fist) beautiful shiny, black and white spider. it was so intriguing to my eyes part of me did not want to see it die. i pointed to where it was, walking slowly on one of his couches, and before they killed it, they could not help but admire it as well.
the dream ended there. i woke up.
all these things put together inspired me to turn my computer on and write about my heart.
she is feeling confused often these days. sometimes when people ask me how i am doing, i do not have an answer.
i feel close to her because of this. i have a soft compassion for her to take her time in answering questions people and life ask of her. i find myself in no hurry to make decisions or changes that i know will come whether i rush them or not.
this week is most likely my last week of “flexibility” so i am choosing to enjoy it. i am working from home, drinking some of the best coffee peet’s and M can offer, i eat chocolate chip cookies i baked for breakfast and have really good lunches my hands make. i work, i rest, i play with the kittens and my cats, i tell journey to be patient with the gatita who just gave birth, i look around the house…appreciating how d and i show the love we share, i stare out the window grateful that she loves to garden, as promised she brought me butterfly’s by planting wild flowers and giant sunflowers. i dress only because it motivates me to work, write, and work some more. i face my writers block by calling t and talking through my ideas so that i can put them on paper to be shared with students and a faculty soon.
there is something else that i am doing differently this week too. i’m choosing to be okay with my hearts feelings. not to run from them or question them too much. i opened up to j in a way i have not done in a long time and that felt right. her soft courage to stay open to life, even with a history of hurt, amazes me.
i look around me and i am filled with examples of people choosing to stay open. jl has learned that staying open with intentionality works better for her than simply staying open. and i have to say that i appreciate that observation. in the last year and half i have seen her carefully and slowly teach herself to live the life of her choice. staying open to herself has been key. her place slowly was put together, one book at a time, one piece of furniture at a time, until one day i walked in and realized she created herself a home.
soon i will step into a new world, a world that i didn’t expect to be mine. and although i freaked out when i realized it was going to be mine too, i am learning to stay close to my heart so that no matter what world i walk into, pass by, or make my own, what changes is the environment only, not my heart.
i can say, i am very close to my heart these days.
and you? how close are you to your heart?