R said we do whatever it takes to do what we do. sometimes doing whatever it takes is not enough. i witness people really struggle to do their best and they just keep bumping into unexpected (human-created) walls. it’s just plain fucked up and i am so tired of it.
this is my attempt to do what i gotta do to be present in this space so that i can learn all it has to offer. this is a hard place to be.
i feel that i often write when that sense of urgency to live and spread joy serves as the blood flowing through my veins. yet i feel handcuffed when i hear story after story of people trying their best only to run into bureaucrazy that makes them just that….crazy. and if they show any type of integrity or dignity as they are being shit on they get fired, let go, or laid off. hanging on to your dignity can cost you your job, which is in some ways a sort of relief because the job sucked anyway but… you need that job to pay the bills, feed your family, and have shelter over your head. sometimes life feels like a mouse trap.
(i’m in the mouse trap too. only i can navigate my way in ways that many others can’t. reconciling that difference…)
this space i get into feels like is a complete take over. all focus is on moving forward, looking back only to remember the lessons that got me here.
i was away (again) from los angeles. i’m beginning to think that this city and the way we live here is a big bubble. is everywhere a big bubble?
my travels forced me to ask myself (once again):
who is a revolutionary? what does it take to have a human transformation? how does a person who struggles with violence in themselves (most of us) transform that energy into something different? what about self hate? how do we transform people’s lack of self-love into something different? is it possible to do in a world where being disconnected to yourself is encouraged?
how do i ethically promote change when change comes with such a heavy cost for some people. does change mean i encourage people to accept the minimum wage job, the dehumanizing-colonizing schooling offered, and mediocre a relationship that doesn’t abuse them physically (but hurts them in other ways)?
should i really be encouraging those around me that we ask for more from life, when sometimes the “more” is not reachable for some?
my mind is playing games with me now.
i keep floating yet i’m more than rooted.
is this what happens when we get rejected by those who are supposed to care for us?
my face is getting warm. i feel the mind-heart battle happening inside me.
crazy how we can’t go back in time. i’d like to get on a cool looking car that would jet me back to the past.
what i would do?
i’d love my mother differently.
i would teach her to trust herself. to listen to her womanhood. to love and accept herself so that when love came around she would know what it looked like. i would open her eyes to her beauty.
why would i do this?
cuz then maybe just maybe i would have a little more faith in myself. maybe i would not question my every move the way i do now. maybe i would know how to welcome love into my life and not just promote it and nurture it with friends.
i gotta smile a little at what i just wrote. i’m not blaming my mom for my shit. let me get that straight. it’s not her fault that we grow up in a heterosexist, patriarchal, class based, white-supremist, far from humanizing society. so it’s not about my mother.
i wanna make different choices for myself. i don’t wanna walk around wishing for things that i can have if only i got my shit together.
people look to me with trusting eyes. i don’t want to disappoint them. i don’t want disappoint myself.
it’s just one of those days i guess. now must get back to work.