lingering and impermanant sadness

sometimes in order to get myself to write i have to look to the closest people to me and find inspiration in their inspiration.

these last couple of days have been a little “rough” for me emotionally. this time la melancolia caught me off guard. usually i could feel her visit nearing but this time around lost in my day to day life, i did not feel her approaching.

next thing i knew i was witnessing myself flare out like a child who throws themselves in tears on the floor not knowing why or a sober person longing to feel connected and excepted after he/she has caused so much damage to those around him/her. ay, these downs are harsh on the body.

a dear companero of mine suggested i make space to breathe and re-connect with my values. see what values i am making room for and which ones i am leaving out. he gave me this “homework” for my upcoming road trip to arizona (although i fully support the current boycotts i can’t boycott it completely as i have family there too) to visit my quieridisimo abuelo and uncle sam. life has this funny way of using circles in teaching me lessons. a few years ago i spent a summer and fall driving to and from california and arizona. i look back to those days and remember their “specialness” because i spent a good amount of time on my own with the desert as my witness to all my reflections, tears, regret, and constant hope. and here i go again, back to the desert.

as i prepare for my long weekend trip, i am reminded of the importance of staying rooted in my need for this type of space to gain clarity. desert skies are truly my favorite. i dream of them at night and whenever possible take pictures of them so that i can take them home with me as reminders of their beauty when i am not near them. the sound of the wheels rolling at anywhere between 60 and 80 miles an hour depending on the music and my mood, the scenery change from busy, cluttered city to empty roads and cacti and back to big city life when i pass through phoenix and once again back to more open roads and less crowdedness when i reach my final destination: Amado. The name Amado means Loved. And that’s exactly what i feel when i reach my grandfather’s trailer, horse, dog “cha-cha-cha”, cats, and inventions. 

My grandfather has this big papa bear way of loving me. he takes me to his favorite restaurants mcdonalds and burger king, and he always insists on treating me. when we go into the restaurants, we are greeted with many smiles and  hello’s because the staff knows my grandpa! he introduces me and tells them i am visiting him from los angeles. they politely smile and sometimes they ask me questions. i watch my grandfather swim in pride and joy. just writing about it makes my heart that much more excited about my upcoming trip!

i wonder what my grandfather would say about this lingering sadness that visits every so often. i wonder what he does when she visits him?

i imagine he may say something like my new friend is encouraging me to remember, that these feelings like our breathe come in and out of our bodies. these feelings are not permanent. there is a sense of relief when i remember the impermanence of it all. my new friend and my grandpa dress alike, maybe they have other similarities too? the thought makes me smile.

i will share with my grandpa all of this and listen to what he has to say. he is a wise man and knows very well the impermanant nature of life.

sky with abuelo's lucky charm

4 thoughts on “lingering and impermanant sadness

  1. Chicanorico

    Thanks for your beautiful and lyrical post! It’s funny how sadness never entirely disappears, no matter how hard one has worked to enjoy their life or feel good about themselves. Last time I saw you was the saddest I’ve been in a long time and we shared the best laughs I’d had in a year. Seems kind of ironic and yet entirely appropriate! My thoughts are with you.

    1. intercambiosubunto

      true, true, yes we did laugh alot! and like you i had not laughed like that in years. i know that it also has to do with our many many years of knowing each other too. with familiarity comes deep comfort laughter. thanks for reading.

  2. Thank you for your beautiful post. I am hopping those wide and open desert skies wrap you up and comfort your heart… If they don’t I am sure grandpa will. Thank you for describing him so vividly. It made me miss his presence so much. El camino se va haciendo asi que el tuyo este lleno de cielos abiertos, amplios y la luz de los amaneceres y atardeceres del desierto🙂

  3. For so long I have hesitated to post my own comments on your blog… The thought of posting in such a public forum my deeply personal experience of your writing is the source of some discomfort. And yet, I have for just as long felt a consistent lingering pull to share openly my appreciation for you, your perspective, your reflections, your writing. Our friendship runs deep, and for me the living ingredient that breathes life into our friendship is our appreciation for each other. What I appreciate in you is your wisdom, your courage, your compassion, your hope – all the qualities necessary to access the knowledge that the desert is your witness. What I appreciate in you is your knowingness that your sadness, la melancolia, is your friend who is asking you to remember… to remember, to re-experience, to honor, and to grieve. I wonder when she visits you, if her journey to your heart is a long one… if she too has to drive through the desert – passing “cluttered city to empty road and cacti.” I wonder if la melancolia feels Loved when she arrives at our homes, in the same way you feel Loved when arrive at your Abuelo’s home. I wonder if that is why we all get visits from la melancolia… if she too is looking to be loved, to be introduced to our loved ones, to be in touch with our own wisdom. Thank you for introducing me to your sadness, during her impermanant visit… I could sense the richness and depth of her experiences even though I didn’t get to listen to all her stories… As your meloncolia shared with me, I could see her sacrifices, her resilience, her integrity, and her loving tenderness… I imagine she gets those qualities from you, and so it makes sense to me that she finds it necessary to visit you from time to time. Thank you for sharing this beautiful part of yourself with me. Thank you from bringing so much of yourself into this friendship we share.

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