these last couple of days have been a little “rough” for me emotionally. this time la melancolia caught me off guard. usually i could feel her visit nearing but this time around lost in my day to day life, i did not feel her approaching.
next thing i knew i was witnessing myself flare out like a child who throws themselves in tears on the floor not knowing why or a sober person longing to feel connected and excepted after he/she has caused so much damage to those around him/her. ay, these downs are harsh on the body.
a dear companero of mine suggested i make space to breathe and re-connect with my values. see what values i am making room for and which ones i am leaving out. he gave me this “homework” for my upcoming road trip to arizona (although i fully support the current boycotts i can’t boycott it completely as i have family there too) to visit my quieridisimo abuelo and uncle sam. life has this funny way of using circles in teaching me lessons. a few years ago i spent a summer and fall driving to and from california and arizona. i look back to those days and remember their “specialness” because i spent a good amount of time on my own with the desert as my witness to all my reflections, tears, regret, and constant hope. and here i go again, back to the desert.
as i prepare for my long weekend trip, i am reminded of the importance of staying rooted in my need for this type of space to gain clarity. desert skies are truly my favorite. i dream of them at night and whenever possible take pictures of them so that i can take them home with me as reminders of their beauty when i am not near them. the sound of the wheels rolling at anywhere between 60 and 80 miles an hour depending on the music and my mood, the scenery change from busy, cluttered city to empty roads and cacti and back to big city life when i pass through phoenix and once again back to more open roads and less crowdedness when i reach my final destination: Amado. The name Amado means Loved. And that’s exactly what i feel when i reach my grandfather’s trailer, horse, dog “cha-cha-cha”, cats, and inventions.
My grandfather has this big papa bear way of loving me. he takes me to his favorite restaurants mcdonalds and burger king, and he always insists on treating me. when we go into the restaurants, we are greeted with many smiles and hello’s because the staff knows my grandpa! he introduces me and tells them i am visiting him from los angeles. they politely smile and sometimes they ask me questions. i watch my grandfather swim in pride and joy. just writing about it makes my heart that much more excited about my upcoming trip!
i wonder what my grandfather would say about this lingering sadness that visits every so often. i wonder what he does when she visits him?
i imagine he may say something like my new friend is encouraging me to remember, that these feelings like our breathe come in and out of our bodies. these feelings are not permanent. there is a sense of relief when i remember the impermanence of it all. my new friend and my grandpa dress alike, maybe they have other similarities too? the thought makes me smile.
i will share with my grandpa all of this and listen to what he has to say. he is a wise man and knows very well the impermanant nature of life.