i’ve been feeling inspired by my bro who is locked up in the cages of l.a. county. the stories he shares with me about his life inside inspire me to fight harder for him and all other inmates who find themselves at the hands of a deliberate system who is run by people who think themselves superior or “better than” the rest of us. feeding that inspiration are the youth of YJC (Youth Justice Coalition) and the members of CURB (Californians United for a Responsible Budget) who continuously blow my mind by their commitment and savyness around the issues, effects, statistics, and policies of both the CYA and adult prisons in CA and nation-wide.

the past two days have felt as if the universe moved and opened space for more of us of the human race to wake up, open our eyes, and shift from thinking and acting through a individualistic lens to recognizing the need for moving in this world through and in community. i’m witnessing so many people that not too long ago were living their lives isolated from their neighbors struggles and now are opening up their doors to each other, dialoguing about the common themes in their struggles, and uniting with other people to take their agency and power back into their own hands.

here are images of these happenings i mention:

this year is the year of the woman. so lets get to it mujeres and make our dreams reality. the stars are on our side…mama earth has shifted and made space for us to recognize, see, and face our power to make things happen for ourselves and our loved ones.

i apologize if i sound new agey these days…am the same mexican born- east l.a. raised- south central adoptee you all know me to be…still struggling with the insides, less these days, gracias a la vida(!) and all my loved ones that support me endlessly. these days i feel so much more in tune with myself, with my heart beat. i think it has to do with my abuelo’s influence and teaching around us being spirits only visiting in these bodies till we reincarnate in a different one. also has to do with all the sacred moon work of the past 2 years and ultimately has to do with my opening myself up to trust in higher powers again. with my feet well rooted on the ground, i have been able to explore new worlds, perspectives, and ways of living. little by little connecting more to the mujer i am growing into. this year i turn 30 and i can’t wait!

time to dig deeper into the bottomless pit of my heart and discover what else there is for me to do here on this planet. i’ve recently gotten a calling to learn and practice ancient healing practices. i’m excited about where that is about to take me. in addition to that today i started back up collecting my MFT licensing hours…felt so good! co-thinking how community healing clinics should and can look like…how ours will look, what it will feel like for our communities to walk into a healing homeplace they helped create. this year we will make shit happen because thats how things happen in this life…when we take our lives and guide them, taking each lesson learned from our past lives, our ancestors, and those around us so that we push forward un mundo mas justo, mas lleno de alegria for more gente.

calling all the elements and all healing practices to light so that the youth and families and the rest of us loc@s can pick and choose what feels right to us and our stories. feeling good about toda esta energia positiva, los cambios, the moves of loved ones to l.a. (finally!) and the space to keep growing, moving, and shaking this world to peace!

feliz ombligo de la semana! (happy belly button of the week…it’s wednesday, two more days to go!)

1. love intensely all parts of me, la vida, and my nutty familia.

2. spend much more time with the nutty familia, breathe through the challenging moments and be so grateful when the ship is floating smoothly!

3. become lovers with forgiveness, make her my best friend and take her to heart more often. let go of unnecessary frustration at others’ apathy.

4. live joyfully, from my place of fearlessness. laugh as much as possible at the funny things in life but also the absurd, can’t do anything about it stuff of life.

5. cook more often, grow my own food as much as possible.

6. write, write, write! document every experience on paper and computer.

7. reignite my relationship to taking photos, post, share, and take more!

8. find a second part time job and start a savings account

9. do as much traveling as possible on a small budget. travel alone and accompanied

10. did i mention write? yes, write more often even if i don’t post everything. oh, and maybe apply to a writing workshop with my sister or something exciting like that

11. learn Portuguese so i can better communicate with people this summer when i am there!

12. create more teaching opportunities for myself and take advantage of them fully when they arise.

13. remain active in creating and making change. focus more organizing efforts around the the reforming/shutting down the prison industrial complex…

some music to bring in the new year:

my grandfather has moved to los angeles, to my parents house. his adventurous and humorous spirit cracks me up, he fills any room with luz. my sister and M are also in town. they’ve been staying with me in my crunched up little studio. its been a blessing, didn’t realize how isolated i was until i had visitors stay with me. i am going to miss them so much when they go next week. i wish they wouldn’t go. but i know they both want to move here soon, so patient i will be.

on a more random note-

hummingbirds have shown themselves twice this week, i got curious and looked up the totem meaning for the little bird. here is what the site read:

Hummingbird Symbolism

It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol – further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity.

By observing the Hummingbird, we see they are seemingly tireless. Always actively seeking the sweetest nectar, they remind us to forever seek out the good in life and the beauty in each day.

Amazing migrators, some Hummingbirds are known to wing their way as far as 2000 miles to reach their destination. This quality reminds us to be persistent in the persuit of our dreams, and adopt the tenacity of the Hummingbird in our lives.

The Hummingbird animal totem is a messenger of hope and jubilation.

Hummingbird Animal Totems offer attributes like:

• energy
• vitality
• joy
• renewal
• sincerity
• healing
• persistence
• peace
• infinity
• agility
• playfulness
• loyalty
• affection

The Hummingbird animal totem most important message to you is:
“The sweetest nectar is within!”

thinking i may get a hummingbird tattoo soon. left shoulder. i’ve been looking for a symbol for tenderness, strength, and self-love. i think the chuparosa has shown itself for a reason…i love how they remind us to look for the good in life, always.

more soon, xo.

rested. loved. taken cared of. joy-filled.

mind-

excited with ideas. stimulated. grateful.

soul/spirit-

at peace. appreciated and appreciating. moved.

i made a vow to myself this week that i will overcome any remaining layers of unnecessary-ness in my body, spirit, and mind. dropping layers of esas cosas will have me walking lighter, with a bit of a skip to my own beat. i owe it to myself, my friends, loved ones.

fabmex and i had lunch ayer. we needed a catching up with each other moment and decided to take back some time from our busy work lives to escape into the “whats been going on with you and how can i support you mode”…(deep breathe with a big smile)…it was so good to see her, hug her, and share a meal with her. by the way the mulitas at La Taquiza are the S***(!)

so she and i met up y empezamos a platicar de todo. its nice to know that even though we do not see each other all that often anymore, we can very easily pick up where we left off the last time we saw each other. she was quick to share with me her thoughts on la situacion and my relationship to struggling with guilt/shame…suggested i let go of the idea of being “put together” all the time and to show myself more, not mattering so much with lo que diga la gente. the other gem she shared is to talk more about whats going on and talk about it like there was no tomorrow. in the process of sharing she believes i will heal, let go, and create new spaces to build.

in that spirit i will end this year and begin a new one knowing that where i am is exactly where i ought to be. i feel so blessed these days. my much loved grandfather is moving to los angeles, my sister and M are visiting for another week and half, work is relaxed and slow this week, my relationships are incredibly supportive and nurturing, i recently visited my acupuncturist in seattle and had an amazing wonderful time (foto below), and i am about to go on a week long break from work due to the holidays coming up.

definitely finding magic in unexpected places…in midst of internal struggle, i feel showered by fairy dust or something cheesy like that. as the year concludes itself im reflecting on the lessons learned, the relationships forgiven, and the things yet to be worked on. my sister shows me that anything can be done, its inspiring and helpful, she’ll be moving to l.a. too this upcoming year. how lovely is that…both my abuelo and hermana in l.a.!

so i may have to mix this series up with some fotos, short posts, poetry, song, and whatever other medium i can find to help share my thoughts.

to start off the series, poverty will mean a couple of things here. poverty- the economic, human caused and the soul/spiritual poverty that disconnects us from ourselves and each other. both ache at my soul when i experience or witness them, hence the series. releasing my emotions so that they can be transformed, not static.

more soon.

i have all the support one could ask for. not sure then why i am still not convinced that i am capable of letting go of the unnecessary layer of shame and guilt crawling over my skin. this morning a miracle happened. don’t know why or how or what but my mom came up to me outside the court house (we were there again just to be told that my brothers pre-trial process is being prolonged again…!) she hugged me and said she was sorry. and i said, why? we are okay. and she said no, i am sorry for everything.

i wonder if she saw through my smile and hugs this morning and noticed that i was carrying too many extra layers today. my blissful weekend ended not so well. this time i take full responsibility, knowing very well how that shame and guilt worked its a way into something really good. and now, for the consequences…and the facing of fears so that i can avoid it happening again and again.

exploring myself is harder than i could have ever thought it would be! i was naive to think that having a nurturing community would be sufficient to overcome life long embedded fears and monsters. will talk to Q about doing a “get off my back” ceremony, creating space to shed those extra layers of heaviness so that i can fly freer.

xo

this month, with the new moon, i would like to set as my intention to practice on the daily, more self love, more self acceptance, and an endless amount of tenderness, to give to myself and receive from others as well as share with all whom i cross paths with. i also would like to spend more time in the earth pit, writing, asking her to witness my process, letting her strength and warmth fuel my path. i want to work on my altar space, make it more visible in my home and continue to grow in my spiritual practice and really importantly, grow into my own gifts of courage and truth.

i read other people’s blog daily, getting inspired by thoughts, images, canciones, and the books they read/post. i’m inspired a toda hora. the early morning skies as well the late nights with loved ones and/or las gatas. bright nail polish, thank you’s from l.a. drivers as we, my brother’s cards with dibujos and dedicated songs- i guess when your in the music you hear is the one you carry memorized from all the time outside, before the lockup. but he has also told me about a young man who has a voice that gives my brother the chills! he sings corridas that tell stories of love, hardship, life. the men often hang out in circles and tell stories, sing, play cards for juice and cookies, all the while cracking jokes and passing el tiempo. the resiliency also inspires me.

tonight i was inspired by the books i was reading (bird by bird, sister outsider, and remembered rapture). My reading tonight coincidentally had two lessons:

1. my deep essential knowledge of and experience of joy creates parameters in which I live my life in. translation: knowing joy forbids me from accepting anything less than I know I am capable of feeling, being, and doing.
2. writing is in a sense on of the ways in which I live out my spirituality. To write is to connect to the mysterious in me, in life, and in others.

last night i spent in ceremony. after the much more violent raid of the l.a. occupy camp i spent 24 hours trying to figure out peoples’ last names and where they were sent so that i can help raise money for the few comrades i found there.

its been an intense few weeks. i put out the intention of writing and i sit to try to put words to the images and emotions i witness…y nada. nothing comes out. instead i experience frustration around my inability to release.

i read books about writing, i read other people’s experiences with “writers block”, i talk to friends about it, i write about it here…so now i wonder what is blocking me from getting in touch with my voice?

in ceremony, Q said i have the wisdom of an abuelita. that i have an all seeing silence, watching more than the eye could see. the reading i did last night was about using my writing as a spiritual tool- i think what i am gathering is that i’d like to write from that space of all seeing, all knowing. a remembering space, a trusting space. i have so many experiences ready to be shared..feel their vibration at my fingertips…but no magic wand that gets my words out. i am surrounded by love, support, and wisdom of so many strong women in my life. i think of them as i get stuck in my own thoughts, as inspiration. maybe if i just keep writing, something will surface.