lady with the bags

6 years ago she told me i was like the bag lady in Badu’s song. carrying too much weight on my back not knowing what direction to take; what identity to claim; what path was mine.

today as i danced, bobbed my head, moved my shoulders up and down and to each side…i noticed how courageous i felt.

where were my bags at that moment? where had i lay them down? how long had it been since i last carried them? did i not notice when they slipped off my skin? what bags remain to be looked through, sorted out, let go?

i can try and go back through memories but tonight i will just let it be. no need for more escarvando, at least not tonight.

living beyond survival means reclaiming my voice and the rhythms of my body

my louder than expected voice broke the 17 day silence.

it was as if i had been waiting for that moment to stand up in front of that so familiar audience and firmly read my own words.

before i read i said, this is dedicated to all the prisoners all over the world. this is for my brother who is also locked up.

and i looked down at my printed words, from my very core they were birthed and from that same place i shared them. it was as if my life, his life, their life depended on my courage to speak aloud, back straight, eyes on each of the eyes staring back at me.

and then as i heard myself speak of momma earth in me birthing joy, my heart of hearts smiled and it was affirmed once again that i am on MY path, MY journey, the chosen one i was born into this world to live out.

the silence was broken. i am grateful.

as i learn to speak with courage, my body is also learning to move with courage.

i went to a African dance class today in attempts to continue to challenge myself to live fully in my whole body, not afraid to move in new ways. my shoulders to the sides, back and forth, using back and shoulder muscles not normally used at my 9-5 job. my feet grew wings very quickly in order to keep up with the spirit of the drum giving me the rhythms i was moving to.

i want to use new muscles. dance to the rhythms of my own drum- the heartbeat that gives me life. i want to laugh from deep within me, learn from all the elders around me who live a life of joy no matter what hardships they have faced or are currently challenged with.

my laugh is loud. i want to celebrate its notes by laughing more and more until i am brought to tears. and within that space, community is also birthed. me siento tan afortunada. i feel blessed in a million different ways. imagine your belly, your place of fearlessness, the creative, erotic, determined belly bursting with rainbows and light, warmth. that is how i feel right now. i must enjoy this moment, breathe it all in and remember it when my voice starts to go again, when the busy-ness of life tries to swallow me whole. my fight back; my armor are these rainbows, this joy, this gratitude.

day 15

its been 15 days since i’ve sat down to write. my voice has been silenced by the busy-ness of life. i hate when that happens and yet it happens too often.

in my heart, i feel as you all do, many emotions. some crash into each other as cars do on fast and furious freeways. it’s exhausting and yet so often filled with lessons to be learned from.

i have been quiet too because there have been changes that i don’t know what to do with yet. still learning to walk again (and i think unlearning and re-learning is something we will all do/i will do always). a few months ago i read my flower cards, they said i had just been through a period of learning whats important in my life, and that i was in midst of a lot change, and that more change was to come. i remember turning to d in fear of what i had just read. i didn’t want more change, already feeling fully overwhelmed with los cambios del presente.

love fearlessly, i say. but the hidden fear wakes up when i let myself feel the high stakes, the real cost to the slow movement that never seems to reach the hurt of:

the youth walking numb to their own feelings as a mode of survival- no blame, makes sense;

the mothers of the youth that spit truth but are hardly listened to cuz the hurt is just too deep;

how my brother doesn’t know that his anxiety actually stems from his 9 months in my momma’s belly, the 5th of 5. lil brother, hang on, la vida sigue y sigue and fucken shit it doesn’t slow down nor make sense. we are here for you, unequipped but with love for you.

and the heart makes no sense of all the lucha, the heart hurts, the bodies aches at the lack of movement.

day 14- i asked my voice where she was. and a million thoughts and images came to mind in response. the images of the militarized lapd, the pandilla de los pinches sherifatos that my ethics demand i make human…and i fail at it cuz i just can’t ignore what i feel when i see what i see.

day 15. estoy cansada, i want to take my time back. i want to feel that i am living beyond survival.

all the while there is struggle, it’s also the first time in my near 30 years of life that i feel completely and utterly enveloped in my own, unique, self-created process of developing a sustainable and life-giving spiritual practice. i feel supported, held in communities. LOVED. i am growing and i know it. that’s why it hurts some days, growing pains.

more music from the beyond survival series:

it’s what we do

it’s what we do..get our folks out of the PIC (prison industrial complex)…try our hardest to save them from being eaten by the systems that cause depression, anxiety, drug addiction, numbness, a feeling of “just gotta maintain”….problems with those we love.

“sometimes we feel numb…and out of words.

the ones we try and save…they are so young, the system, it takes all of you…the opportunity, lack of choice, linear tunnel.”

and we keep fighting, struggling. we throw rocks at the wolf trying to eat at our feet.

and then there are others of us that are eaten. not by the PIC but by other institutions and belief systems that pin us against each other, create false lies within us about what we are to do or be in this lifetime. we are lied to and we swallow the lies, many of us knowing better than to swallow. we still do. and those of us who witness, hurt, ache and pain at all parts of our body because we know that things can be different, better for those whom we love.

our hands feel tied, our mouths taped up, only our eyes and ears can see and hear everything that is happening. our limbs, our lungs want to scream for help, STOP. and yet it feels like our hands are tied, our mouths taped up.

and we continue doing what we do. we may cry, let the tears wash the injustices of the world, let the water renew us, prepare us for more, release. we pick ourselves up because there is more to do and it’s the only thing we know how to do…to keep doing what we do and in the midst of it all, community is created. even if we can’t always be there for each other during the happy times, we sure show up when shit hits the fan. and life rolls on. we collect more smiles and love for the journey. we learn to love and long for with out asking for anything in return…knowing we are taken care of by the earth we stand on, the air we breathe, the water within us, and the fire that ignites our passions.

gotta save our people’s. gotta start with ourselves. gotta keep moving, demanding more outta this life. we were born to birth joy. and joy we birth at all times, through the struggle, and beyond the struggle.

if you forget your loved, re-member…we are loved. there is a lineage that came before us of warriors just like us. may we learn from them and fight that much harder thinking of them.

don’t let our brothers, sisters, mothers, children, fathers, friends, lovers, universe be eaten by man-made systems that are weaker than mother earth herself. she’s been here long enough to know we are passing. she’s here to stay.

the hurt cements, but even through cement, we find cracks where flowers grow. she’s doing what she’s gotta do. just like us.

20 years later- On Florence and Normandie

this week, april 29th through may 1st  was the 20th anniversary of what is known in l.a. as the Rodney King Riots, some of us call it, the ’92 L.A. Uprising. Whatever name that historic series of events is called, it is significant not only in L.A. history but in South L.A. history. When I speak of the South i’m talking about anything south of downtown l.a. all the way to watts, compton, lynwood, torrance. the ’92 Uprising can be seen as a reminder or a wake up call to all the poor, unemployed, underemployed, marginalized south l.a. community; a call to re-member that 20 years back organizing in South Central L.A. had been so successful, strong, militant to the point that the powers that be and all systems and institutions that protect and maintain the oppression did everything in their power to destroy the positivity that was coming out of the organized community. the strategic killing and locking up of warrior-organizers, including Black Panthers who were extremely successful on many levels, including providing basic needs to their ignored community. and then the 1980s CIA drop off of crack cocaine into the south central community, since then there has been a decline in militant organizing. what we see now, is not necessarily bad organizing but it is bandaid work, mostly under the umbrella of paid organizing and the non profit industrial complex…work that many are growing to learn is not enough to create the changes needing to happen.

on May Day, also known worldwide as International Workers Day, a group of us met and marched from Florence and Normandie, the exact spot that 20 years ago, i had watched on television, just as many others had done so as well, a Black man, Rodney King being beat by the LAPD. as a child that leaves an impression on you. it raises questions that one can’t answer but holds inside to be carried for many years to come.

20 years later we meet there, an organized group of youth, community members, organizers, children…and we march down Florence taking 2 of 3 lanes to Central Ave. and down Central to 41st where the Black Panthers headquarters once stood. there we met with Warriors who shared stories, lessons. lessons we can take and grow from. no need to repeat mistakes, we can start from our ancestors left off.

youth chanting their own chosen chants:

“we have the duty to fight,

we have the duty to win,

we must love each other and protect each other,

we have nothing to lose but our chains.”

demanding their liberation and the liberation of their communities. and the community of witnesses, people just doing their thing on a Tuesday morning, were in awe of what they were seeing happen. the unity that occurred in those short moments, to struggle for something bigger than ourselves; a break from the struggle to simply maintain.

our hearts sang with joy and fire. our bodies shook with determination. and our feet walked the path created by those Warriors who came before us, our youth making new waves, new journeys to ALL of our liberation.

All Power to All People.

News about the “riots”:

Interview with King, 20 years later

20 Years laters, Unemployment and poverty remain the same

1965 Watts Riots

healing recipes

1. heart-fulls of LOVE, unconditional love, given and received.

2. a tablespoon (or 2, 3) of molasses, to remind us that although life/love has its ups and downs, the struggles, the hard parts do pass, will pass. and that life is sweet, filled with joy, and softness.

3. an infinite amount of respect for our individual selves, our needs and space taken as we process, heal, re-learn to love better, fuller.

4. handfuls of compassionate curiosity towards ourselves and others. ask questions from a loving, committed space.

5. 3 teaspoons of vinegar, yes vinegar. grandpa says it cleanses our system, our bodies. clears space for new-ness.

6. infinite plus 1 amounts of warm embraces. life is hard, why not hold hands while we stubble…i mean, struggle through it?

7. showers of laughter and smiles. keep and create memories of these moments close to the heart.

***

am grateful for so much this morning. cycles, circles, spirals. return to oneself. remembering what we already know. expanding our capacity to hold space for all of ourselves and others-selves.

the work with the youth is filling me up with questions, life, joy, strength, commitment. so so so grateful for my team who holds me through the hard times in this work of holding others through their hardships. so much love everywhere. so much more powerful than any violent happening, system, repression. nothing is as strong as the love we have for each other, the commitment we have to create a better world, now.

 

 

refreshing weekend/time spent with lil ones

new-ness.

the little ones smile at me with so much love and gratitude that i love them the ways i do.

they know they have my heart.

they give me theirs and i am so filled with joy, i can burst and do a hundred jumping jacks.

we laugh and smile, and our eyes sparkle at each other, with each other.

they teach me to be patient. to love kindly and with out reservations.

my niece and my nephew, my butterfly and my caterpillar…

i’m eager to watch them grow, witness and love them through their little peoples struggles…they too will

be adults one day and i want them to know that i am here for them, with them. that i have their back.

beautiful, magical souls they are.

i am grateful, growing, and in love with their wise spirits.

“By healing, you resist oppression.” -Emad Burnat

Note: this entry is from last week, during the moon cycle pain writing i did a few posts ago…it’s sort of a continuance of that writing and also a blog entry all on its own because of its intention setting. i was moved to post it now because one of my heart-hermanas and i had a text conversation today about this very topic and it feels important to share with you here. if you would like more context for this post, you can read “part 1″ here.

<3

after the purge i felt my body calm down and i was relieved of some of the pain too.

so much came up for me when i was in pain. conversations with 4 of my heart-sisters came to mind. all 4 of them have been/or are in the process of figuring out how to let go/release in their own ways the trauma their beautiful temple bodies carry.

i am realizing more and more that WE are in major need of self care/OUR CARE (routines and life styles) that are loving and inclusive of the politics that we believe in and seek to live out. OUR CARE where our community isn’t so depleted that we can’t take care of each other because we ourselves are so exhausted. OUR CARE where the priority is the well being of ALL of our selves and our surroundings/environment/neighborhood/city/world/universe.

I’m calling forth a shift in how we do community health and community organizing to be inclusive of our spirits, hearts, minds, and bodies. i refuse to feel too exhausted to take care of my loved ones. i refuse to partake in work that sucks the life out of me while paying me way under what i am “worth” in this false american nightmare/dream of a society. i refuse to not take care of me because i am trying desperately to put bandaids on the worlds wounds. no more bandaids, we need real change.

it feels SO GOOD to say that. our moon ceremony is this coming weekend, i know exactly what intentions i will be setting

some fun and random inspiration that makes me laugh and cry at our human resiliency and creativity enjoy!

besos,

g*

 

afraid of change(ing)

change is hard. it pulls and tugs at old wounds crashing into waves of healing seeking to get it in…in to my body.

habit on the other hand is easier to live out. it’s already present so there is not much negotiating. it just happens.

re-reading yesterday’s writing shared brings tears to my eyes. so what does that all mean? what does it mean to feel new? what does it mean to be whole?

i feel like a 1 1/2 year old learning to walk.

does being whole mean i’m supposed to know the answers to my heart’s questions? does being whole mean i can’t love in pieces anymore and if i do, what will happen? what does healing mean in this case, is it that i no longer think about the past or repeat old patterns? where are these questions coming from?

change is hard. i’ve often not liked it. sometimes i prefer the comfort of my old knowings. the old couch i can sit on and know will be comfortable. i prefer an old diet where i don’t have to feel my body learning to like new foods. i prefer the old music that beings me comfort.

but when change is here, in my body, in my whole being, there is nothing i can do but flow with it. there is no stopping el cambio once she decides to stay and grow. i’m a crossroads and there is no turning back..because even though change is hard i got to a point where i had no other choice but to learn to walk again. everything i thought would happen didn’t. i’m leaving a job people would think I’m crazy for leaving. I’m starting new again. and yet the new path feels as if it has been the same path I’ve been on just with some unexpected turns, twists, and cycles back to work that feels familiar but new.

yesterday i was sharing with P about learning to implement holistic treatment (drug and alcohol in the context of neoliberalism) into educational learning spaces focused on working with youth and young adults. i was amazed that she’s had experience with this work, that she and a team of hers put a curriculum together around this very topic!!! (i’m on the right path. affirmation.) this work I’m coming to is new, but old. I’m cycling back around to work that I’ve  been interested in doing since i was 14. i didn’t know what to call it but i knew what it felt like and why i wanted to do it. the path I’ve been on for 15 years (maybe 30? maybe even more?) has led me back to healing work that feels just right for me and where i am at in my life, and the type of team i want to work in/with to do this work, it feels like its all coming together.

at the ceremony on saturday i kept seeing images of spirals, coils…no end and no beginning, just an acknowledgement of the spirals, the full circles that we make in this life time..often with out knowing it until its happening or it has happened. i love this about life. i just have to remember i said all this when change overwhelms me and i get afraid. a full circle is happening and will happen over and over again and i have no idea what i will come back to or grow into that is completely new.

spirals, turning tables, change. grounding, roots and wings.

rest. acceptance.

*music for today- this song i danced to when i was in elementary school. it was on pandora this morning and thought it was perfect to accompany this post.

**and this video you have to be patient and watch what happens at 1 minute 26 seconds. these children are too cute! made me smile, laugh it’s a really long video so just watch what you can, and ENJOY!

be and be not afraid to reach for heaven

it’s morning again. what a blessing it is to wake up the way i do. with the silence of the house and all housemates fast asleep. the sage burns at my altar.

the morning time is my favorite time of the day. it’s the only “me” time i get on a daily basis. it’s my writing time, my self reflection time, the time i get to pray, ground myself, talk to the owl medicine on my altar, listen to what lessons she has for me that day.

the cats slowly wake up and start moving around the room, going to their window to look out into the back yard, see what they find curiosity in. sometimes i sit with them and stare out the window too, i want to see the view through their eyes. when i do this, i notice the birds on the trees, the tiny flying creatures, and the teeny ants carrying their food across the cement to their casita in the earth. my cats are funny. they pay attention to the littlest movements and they hear things i don’t hear. i love their company.

be and be not afraid to reach for heaven. i want to be and be not afraid to reach for heaven. i want to live my life fully, be present in each moment, i want to take risks that challenge me to grow, expand my capacity to love and be loved. yesterday i went to the ocean and brought yemaya flowers. with each flower i gave her, i also gifted her with an intention, a wish. intentions that are an extension of what is already happening in my life.

(in italics, an excerpts from a blog entry not posted last week)

i woke up to my moon cycle. i was happy she came. she’s been gone for 2 months and i was getting a little worried. she came on as strong as she usually does for the first 2 hours. i bleed and my body hurts, mostly my legs, belly, and lower back.

i fell back asleep knowing that the worst of the pain may come around 7am (its usual time). and yes, the pain returned stronger than i’d ever experienced during a moon cycle. with the unexpected level of pain i was overwhelmed with a feeling of fear of being alone so i called my housemate to see if she was around, and she was. she came in to see me, offer her love, support, tea. i accepted it all with an open heart and relief.

i threw up twice. only moon pain herbs came out of me. i will try and explain how significant this was for me. these herbs were given to me in a time in my life where i was still trying to figure out what medicine, what love, what path i would choose to live out…or better said, would i live out the life i chose to live while in the spirit realm?

the fact that herbs given to me for the pain were rejected by my body really solidified that my body is calling for new medicine/new types of love and healing, WHOLE love and healing. i think for a long time i welcomed and accepted love and medicine that came to me in P.I.E.C.E.S. Love that was filled with longing, filled with talk that never becomes reality. that love felt safe for me for so long. to not have to be fully present but choose when i would be there and when i would not, to not give my whole self to myself or anyone else, that is what felt safe.

and when it no longer felt safe, when i wanted to help transform that love into whole love…it was as if i unveiled a gem that i could no longer pretend not to see. i faced her, fully unclothed, seeking whole love because medicine, healing, and love in pieces was not for me anymore, and maybe not ever but that is all i knew to give. all week i’ve been saying out loud that i feel new, that even the old feels new. that my body feels lighter, refreshed. while in ceremony this past saturday, i became overwhelmed by the feeling of WHOLENESS. i cried in awe of my own healing. i finally was present with my liberation, the freedom i had been seeking was/is here and i can see/feel/touch it.

i know that for the past 2 years (since joining the queer women’s moon circle’s) i have been undergoing a change, a positive change involving healing old ghosts (shame, guilt, things not my own but who i shared space with in my body), healing from wounds both from this life and past lives, and healing my family from the legacies of substance abuse, shame, depression. it was not until 2 months ago that i started to notice huge changes in me. i began walking with out shame or fear of what people would say about me and how i choose to live my life. walking free of shame…i can’t even begin to describe how it feels…it feels like Zora Neale Hurston once described, “I have been in Sorrow’s kitchen and licked out all the pots. Then I have stood on the peaky mountain wrapped in rainbows, with a harp and a sword in my hands.” I feel like i’m at the peaky mountain wrapped in rainbows, i am the one who is holding the harp and sword in my  hands, i am surrounded by hummingbirds, and at my shoulder sits a barn owl who serves as my third eye, my intuition.

all this that i feel is not new. i have been working on these issues, this liberation knowingly for many years now. i didn’t have the language i have now to describe my experience but i know this is not new.

looking back at my old writing i found this from early February i was writing a lot about what types of relationships i need to be in that will nurture my whole being and what implications does that have on me and those i’m in relationships with. these questions required a life change for me. and here i am 2 months later living the answer to those questions. i think to begin with, the relationship i have with myself needed to go through its own transformation. i wanted to be more present with my friends, family, lovers, hermana-amiga’s, communities. in order to be available to others i had to go through a process of learning to be more present with myself, for myself. i look back at my path, where i have been and i am grateful for the teachers (people in my life) i have had who have shared so many lessons with me about getting free. i have so many journal entries on this, i re-read my writing and i see countless prayers, seeking to be liberated of the monstros that resided in me for too long.

the relationships (i am choosing to be in now) are feeding me as a whole person, as the spiritual, political, free-spirited, BIG loving mujer that loves to explore life and new adventures; a courageous mujer, the protective lioness that i have always been but now near 30 years into it am finally stepping up to live in and act from all of my power and light. there is less explaining that i am having to do about who i am. i am especially thinking about the mujeres from the moon circles who witness my journey, walk with me in my questioning, in my shedding of self to become whole. in my being and not being afraid to reach for heaven.

**Tracy Chapman, “I’m Ready”. it’s as if she is talking to her own heart, or someone, something, some being. i love this.